Infertility is a very raw and lonely world.I still remember the endless tears and the nights bargaining with God to let me be a mom. I always felt like I didn’t fit in anywhere . Some people were kind about it but there were so many cruel things said. I don’t know if they realized how cruel they were being .I often felt that I wasn’t good enough not woman enough.
Polycystic ovary syndrome is a word that the Doctor used to tell me what was wrong with me and that infertility was pretty much a given. I was given some pamphlets to read. We didn’t have Google at the time . Support groups were not really all that common in the area I lived in.We were told we could try fertility meds The doctor seemed hopeful and encouraged that this could be overcome.
All I knew was that I wanted to be a mom more than anything . My plan was to follow my mother’s footsteps, get married ,have a few kids and raise them. After I met my husband I saw the future of little people.
We decided to go ahead and do the work up to see what we could do to try and start our family.There was a big blood work up ,ultrasounds and other tests run to see what might be the cause of things . During one of the exams the Dr had stated he thought there was evidence that I had at one time perhaps miscarried but it had to be very early in the pregnancy.
I have never really known what to say about that . They only briefly spoke of it . I remember thinking well if I had gotten pregnant once, maybe another time . That never happened again and it just got lumped into the sadness and loss I felt dealing with infertility.
I had a laparoscopy procedure to look at the reproductive anatomy . I had endometriosis that was burnt off with that cleared up. We then moved on to attempting fertility drugs.
We did 2 rounds of Clomid. They were expensive meds and my hormones were all over the place . I would go from angry to sad and then depressed . One had to plan out intimacy to get the best outcome. It would be hard to plan sex around being angry and emotional. The hormones were rough .
I remember picking up a cookie jar and throwing it across the room .The reason behind that I am unsure. At the time I belief I was upset over something at Bruce and
All really hard words to hear - words that took the wind out of us. My world shifted at those words- we tried a few rounds of fertility drugs. Nothing made a difference except while the meds didn’t make a difference fertility wise but the hormone levels raging through made things tough.
Aside from all the medical part of infertility the mental part was the roughest .
There were a range of comments made to me while some were poor jokes, some were just cruel comments - One friend offered to sleep with my husband and carry a baby for us… one was if she was infertile she would have to kill herself. There were few comments of how I should divorce my husband so he can find himself a fertile girl.
Then there were friends and family having babies and you are truly happy for them but on the inside sobbing because it wasn’t you.
I remember the feeling as if you were enough and just what would my future hold my husband never faltered. He was always by my side and wore a straight face. All will be good . He proclaimed many times he wasn’t leaving and we would be ok. I really struggled with that thought about what ok would look like.
I would have days I would have it together and felt like together he and I would be ok. Then there were days when something triggered those feelings to bubble up to the surface and I would feel the whole wound open up again.
Those emotions would bleed all over us. The tears and shame and self hate would be right there staring at me. I struggled to believe he truly was ok with whatever our altered life was now. That feeling of you being lacking or not enough are some horrible emotions that once they get into your mind they suffocate your soul.
I wasn’t happy with myself so why was he content. I remember praying and bargaining witTh God. I even asked one night for God to take me so he could move on and find someone that would make him happy and give him kids.
The depression was dark and distorted for a while. I just wanted to raise a family.
Finally I worked those things through my mind and came to terms with it and decided I would be the best friend to him I could be .
At that time I don't know if it was because I was too young and shy to really reach out and talk to someone about all of it . The whole journey was tough, there was pain like I can never express and guilt and sadness.
We did hit a stage where we agreed to try to move forward and heal. The void was always there ,the emptiness of it just the two of us . About the time we thought parenthood was behind us we decided to look into Special Needs Adoption through the county. That healed so many wounds we didn’t even know that they were still open.
