I hear the sound of you breathing

 Comfort of your presence

Safety in the still of the night

When life overwhelms me

Your arms always are there

As I listen to your heartbeat

Lulls me to a state of peace

Honor in your eyes comfort me

Strength in your arms surround me

Listening to you in the stillness of the night

I hear my soulmate-my best friend

D.Marr

Eyes

Eyes look into a mirror

What is their story 

What have they seen

There is a story

One that is unique 

Owned only by them

Memories buried deep

Some of years gone by

Days of younger times

Some memories of regret

Some of happy times

There has been celebrations

Others of deep loss

The day my world stopped moving

SIt has been a long long rough road, February 20th what started as a normal day ended up with me in the ER. My artificial knee joint was infected - they were just two years old and had never given me any issues. We tried treating it with oral meds at home when they didn't work I was admitted and put on IV antibiotics.

When I found out just how sick I was I was scared praying to God that my family would be ok. That this wouldn't taint my son's senior year- my daughter would be ok during the rest of school year.

Many thoughts raced through my head that night. I worried about my husband and all the things that come with me being gone.

My job what would happen to that .--the kids I was helping what would happen with the disruption of me being gone.

There were so many nurses that were so great comforting me -- there was so many of them that were there to help me through things.

This was such a turning point for me I was the one being cared for-- I only knew how to be the caretaker. I had to get used to IV pumps running and beeping- nursing staff in and out of my room.
So many days and nights blending in...I was scared-lonely--worried.

not everything is created equal

In this journey I have learned not every handicap toilet is the same and not every handicap ramp is the same.

The things you take for granted and just assume work when you don't depend on them but once you need them you realize that thing are very different.


Some doorways are a tight squeeze to get yourself and your chair to fit without getting stuck.

I have learned a lot through this and have seen just a taste of what others have to go thru on a daily basis. We hope my situation is just temporary and this is only a short term inconvenience-  but for those who battle on a daily basis of doorways too snug or the many other battles just to get somewhere it it truly a tough road. The things we take for granted until we actually find ourselves in the spot we need it .

Stuck in a Rut

This whole no weight bearing on my Left leg is wearing on me I did much better when the ground was frozen and I didn't care about fun in the sun.
What I want is to be in my gardens enjoying the blooms. Being outside with my family walking the dogs..
Granted I do get outside and sit in my chair - roll up and down the side walk

Bruce has been the main caregiver since Feb ... I see it starting to wear on him. He is suffering from Migraines - something he has never complained about in the past. .

Today I called my mom shared my funk frame of mind ,, she had some really good advice and talked me thru it . but I truly am ready for the next step...

more rambles

Life in the nursing home - I felt my worse when I lived in the nursing home. I was still fighting the infection that had first hit me , I was weak and really felt rotten. In time we managed to get meds on board to help with some of it in time I felt better. I remember one day I laid down on my bed and woke up to a lady  in a wheel chair covering me up... It felt odd being a patient in a place I once worked. 

Once I was stronger I spent time putting puzzles together- one of the residents children would  come do puzzles together.My family visited often 

One thing that was tough was to live to a set routine-- which I had the freedom to do as I wished ..but there was always someone talking or listening to call lights or TV's that were on .I missed my home - the simple things of getting my kids up for school and me going to work. I missed my dogs- my bedroom--my things .

Sometimes when I am feeling down I think about the things I haven't been able to do. I haven't seen my bedroom since mid of February. --haven't been to in my parents house . There are alot of things I haven't been able to do garden-walk the dogs--- even getting a drink of water is tough to do alone.

Other days I am so grateful that I am here...things could have gone to much different. MRSA is not a fun bug to fight I have been fighting since Feb..It has been a long road ... 

Ramblings of the last several months

This started February my life was great.


I was on break from school that morning I woke up fine.. I was chatting with my mom on the phone complained to her about my left artificial knee feeling stiff. By noon my knee was feeling sore was really stiff when I was walking. I laid down with an ice pack --by late afternoon I was unable to walk. I came down stairs in pain I was hardly able to  walk .
Bruce took me to the ER and we ran tests we were really sure what was going on. Septic was the fear of the Dr . I was sent on to another ER they ran more tests sent home with antibiotics and told to call if anything got worse..

That night what should have been a five minute walk from the car to the house was a 20 mn walk. I was unable to move the pain was so bad it made my stomach turn.... giving the antibiotics 3 days the pain was worse  The Dr had me come in--

He drew fluid out of my knee which was a horrible pain-unable to move and was admitted to the hospital. They started strong IV antibiotics--drew lots of blood -- thru the weekend I was informed I had MRSA in both blood stream and knee.. .

I remember feeling so out of it... so sick.. all I could think of was how will this affect my family- praying I wouldn't die again worried about how this will affect them. It was Zach's senior year I was looking forward to spending time at school with him having his last year... and how I didn't want to die and ruin his graduation.

After the weekend the decision was to remove the knee and they put in a cement spacer which had antibiotics in it......from there I went to the nursing home in Tyler for a month.

It was tough on all of us---but my family rallied together and got through that time .

Living in the same nursing home you once worked was an experience . There are a few residents still there from when I worked there and a few staff members. I have to say the staff kept my morale up.. if I needed to cry there was someone to hold my hand... if I needed to laugh someone was there...
But there  were moments too of have to let the aides help with personal cares - needing someone to walk with me to keep me safe from falls. Those moments were tough even tho it was there job I still struggled with it.
 I celebrated my son's 18th birthday ,my birthday and Easter there, it was sad my son told me Mom it doesn't matter were we are just so we can be together.