Dad

 We know you were tired, and you put up a good fight   but you had to move on

Your pain is gone you are either walking the sloughs of Heaven  or sitting in your boat reeling in the crappies in Heavens lake.

Every time we hear the geese call out in the skies  or see a fish jump in the waters

We know it is a sign from you.

 

When the clock strikes   2 pm we know it’s  Dt Pepsi time

We will hear the crinkle of the can like you used to do  like when we were kids and you would do it until we took it away your little  game with us  we will feel your presence

 

You were bigger than life in our eyes and the void in our hearts is deep

We will pull from all the great memories we have shared as a family

Already it seems everywhere we look they come flooding back

The fishing trips and Sunday afternoon Pepsi’s

 

We know you always worried about Mom and us girls

Even after we married you still stood watch

Please rest assured Dad us girls will stick together and be there for mom

You taught us well how there is nothing more important than family

 

We love you Dad and while we know this is really a see you later not goodbye forever

You are missed dearly the silence left by your departure is deafening

A few lessons you taught us were to always check the forecast for freezing rain , watch for deer on the road and you have to keep moving forward

Goodbye for now Dad-

 

 

I Hope So

 Three simple words

Those three uttered words you spoke tug at my heart

Joy of seeing you again 

Fear I won't see you 

What if those 3 little words are the last 

My heart weeps tongiht 

Weeps over my love for you

Weeps over the hurt of someday you wont be here

I also know those three little words 

Mean I love you

Brrr it was cold

 The other night the furnance quit working, The house got down to 60 and it was cold we got the furnance to run for awhile but it went out again. Sixtey degrees when you are outside seems chilly but inside it was miserable. Even snuggled under the covers the cold went through you. 

All I could think was how do those sleeping in the streets manage to survive - I was inside the comfort of my home -no wind to bother us. I could make something hot to drink or borrow a space heater . The cold was inconvienent and miserable but I knew it would be short lived. Eventually the repairman would get it running again. 

I truly can not imagine what those poor souls who make wind blocks with cardboard or newspaper survive. They know there is no short term of in a few hours the repairman will be here . No shelter or hot beverage to help avoid the bone chilling temps. 

My heart breaks for them who don't know where their shelter is or when the next hot meal will  come. It truly makes light of some of my daily concerns.

Which path

 I am been reading a meditation book at the moment..It is geared to mom's and realizing our importance.Even if our job is behind the scenes and we think no one notices in the long run it matters . Our spouses find comfort in the things we do our children are filing away all the memories we are making.  At some point in their life they will be reminded on how mom made this or how they always had fresh baked cookie smell in the house.

We should embrace our roles and do them to our best abilities, Embrace the life God has given you and just in faith. I will be honest I struggle with that blind faith trust statement. I try to let it go and just plow forward. I am a stubborn one and even though I tell myself it is in God's hands. I still attempt to micromanage things which rarely helps . 

Another book I am reading from is about realizing your purpose and focus on the path laid out infront of you. It talks about life events happen- job losses- illnesses -becoming disabled. We aren't suppose to look back and mourn the change but look forward and take on the challenge. It is easy to take the safe way out but to achieve true happiness we are to see the path God gave us and forage through it. 

When my knee joint went septic 4 yrs ago I fought like crazy to get my old life back. I was so scared and sad while I had to be laid up for 9 months fighting off infections. I refused to think about what if I wouldn't go back to work again. Once we decided to have the knee joint fused and knew I had to learn a new way to walk. I still fought to get back to my job.. I cried and went into  saddness until I was able to return to work

I loved being back at work-although it took a huge toll on my body-I was tired and sore and truly just done for the day. Not much fun for my family all my energy was spent.

I started to have some back pain and even my boss had asked if things were getting too tough for me. Even then I was adminant that I was able to work refusing to listen to what my back was saying .

 Then I got COVID which kicked my butt --my body wasn't coming back the fight in me was gone. I was devastated knowing I had to step back from a job I loved .

Know a new path is laid ahead of me...I want to build my craft business --I want to write both things that are scary and unknown. The path ahead of me which I believe is God telling me it is time to make that change. But the scared part of me keeps looking back and wondering could I return to my school job using the wheelchair and my walker would my back and good leg allow that . That would be the easy way which I am sure to get worn out from and once I returned home would have to sit out on my families life. 

But the thought of starting a business -something big enough to help support us and maybe open some new doors that is scary.

I am so a creature of habit and it is so hard to trust in the steps of the new path.. We never know what the future holds but I guess if I don't try I will never know ..

Today

 It was a tough day today, not because of anything or anyone. I started it fairly upbeat sent my daughter off to school. Scrolled Facebook while I drank my coffee. Decided to break out the sewing machine and make pillows for my parents. That all went smoothly until the back spasms kicked in, I took my Tylenol kept going ..I laid out material for my next project  I wanted to a new bear pattern.. I struggled with a few simple things. After taking it apart a few times I gave up. 

I sat back and questioned if I really was able to make this a business ,was I good enough. I mad at myself and frustrated with the whole thing .. I finally threw away the cut out pieces and decided I will try again tomorrow - fresh. Packed all my sewing things away.. 

Since becoming disabled and the pain I have played with could I go back to the school-I loved that job. I remember when I got the fused leg - I was determined to get back to work. I look at would I be able to use my wheelchair and navigate well enough. Would I be able to actually do my job. I miss it ,the sense of community I felt there

But I love being here with my family and I know we will always have those days in life.. Today was mine lots of self doubt and self put downs.. 

Here is to tomorrow a brand new day

My ramblings

 Well, it has been a while, thoughts blur and I have a tough time getting them to stop long enough to get them typed out. 

So I am going to type up the best I can tonight - try to get back into getting my thoughts from my head to print. 

I upgraded to a new walker this one the seat is higher so I can sit on it and get back up again.. The other one was too low. Looking at it I have mixed feelings I feel like screams at me how unstable my steps are and with all my back pain I need the extra for support. 

After the MRSA infection and being septic my outlook at the fused knee was I was so grateful for my life and it didn't matter that I would walk with a limp and no longer able to bend my knee. I embraced the fact I was still with my family and able to work at the job I loved. I was able to for a long time after that  until I got sick with COVID and alot changed.

The fused knee threw my gait off which in turn caused curvature in my spine.. I have arthritis in my hips. daily I hurt somedays I can't stand, and walking is really hard. I am in the process of working with the Dr;s to find the best way to deal with it .. 

I have been having some swelling and pain in my knee I got last fall Dr;s are keeping an eye on it increased my antibiotics incase an infection is brewing .

Some day's I struggle with being ok with my life.. I want to be working help lighten the financial stress- but I know I can't - I believe that being that close to death twice in such a short time means something and I keep wondering what - what lesson was I to learn- The whole what purpose in life is mine .

It is a struggle to feel as though you are enough .

Time

 Time is a thief 

It tricks you into thinking you have plenty of it

One gets complacent and then suddenly it is gone

You are left with thoughts and often regrets

Memories play through your mind 

Disbelief there won’t be more to make

Wishes you had used your time more wisely

Often we learn to late to use time wisely

In school as kids we were to that so often

But we just think time is in abundance.

Now we are left with thoughts of 

Did you read my last email or text ?

Did they know I loved them?

We forget we all have an expiration date 

One that no one knows the end.

We need to remember what we were taught

Use our time wisely