Tears

We went to the rodeo the other night - the announcer did a fantastic job on recognizing the Veterans-- and the soldiers that are ready to fight for people they don't even know. Then he continued to give recognition to EMT;s and our police - just about anyone who is in the job to protect and serve.
He asked the Veterans to stand --proudly I watch my husband stand.
 The one thing I saw in all of the people he announced was while they stood and they took pride in their role- the ones I observed came off as I am just doing my job. It gives me chills to see such humble attitudes of I am doing my job because it is what I want to do.

Then the Star Spangled Banner is played -- I can't get through any patriotic song without crying .. I think as a kid I knew what the song was about - but as I have aged I understand it better . The tears now flow openly at events where that song is played and if someone talks about those you are laying down their lives for us- the emotion is so raw inside. The impact of what that really means just is hard to truly understand- people risking their lives to my my life better .

The locust are screaming away- some of the trees are turning colors or dropping leaves. Soon we will be back to school. I will be spending time then with school family. There is always a bit of sadness to say goodbye to summer.

This summer I was driven to pack in as much summer as I could in to make up for last summer . While the memories of the battle of last summer is still there it is fading as we now are stepping into our new normal. Most things have fallen back into place some time ago. I still am dealing with always knowing my limits.

Just so grateful to be able to have a summer but I am still wishing we had just a little bit more LOL

A year ago

We are coming up to a year mark where a lot happened- I was still no weight bearing ,sitting in a wheelchair. I finished another round of IV antibiotics- my mother in law passed away. When we left Tyler to go to Benson for the visitation and funeral- I couldn't get into the suburban my one good leg just didn't have the strength to get me up there. After I got out of the vehicle that day I didn't ride in a car for almost 2 months . The night of the visitation things went I felt ok- felt bad that Bruce couldn't focus just on his family and mourn with them. I was always in the back of his mind- the day of the funeral I knew prior going that I was having quite a bit of pain...I noticed on the "good leg" I was starting to get a rash..

I opted out of going to the burial-- I knew getting into a car would be too much. The kids came back where we were staying with me. I remember going into the bathroom to change- I struggled getting on the toilet-- when it came time to stand up I couldn't . My good leg hurt and I had no power in it.

Zach had to help me get into the wheelchair and then hoist me on the bed. I have to say he is a champ he had no qualms in helping me .. He went and found Bruce- they called the ambulance and I was taken to the Benson hosp..I spent the night . They started me on an antibiotic and worked on getting ahold of my surgeon.  I don't remember much about any of it.. It was set up for me to be transferred to Marshall-

I had surgery on the "good leg" it was infected with staph- cultured MRSA too.. they cleaned it up- replaced the plastic parts. It took sometime for the leg to want to work...a week after that surgery they did the first step in preparing my leg to be fused .

After that I was sent to Sioux Falls for a week for testing to see if we could find out why we couldn't kill the infection..

So many surgeries-- so much going on in our world it sort of sucked the air out of us. I always feel bad that Bruce never really go to slow down and process the loss of his mom.. We have talked through later down the road..
Last year at this time things were so intense ... a year later we are camping-- grabbing our new normal

Flowers and memories

One of my fondest memories is the flowers that grew in my grandparents yard and my parents yard. I always remember when my grandma and grandpa Pedersen would come visit or we visit there a walk around the yard was due to look at the flowers blooming in the gardens. My mom always has had plant growing whether it  was in the yard or in the house.

When I moved out she passed on a few plants and once I had a yard of my own a few flowers were transferred to me. I gave her some my yard also  it has always just been a normal in my life.
Tonight I transplanted 2 plants from my parents yard- one was a rose bush that started in my one sister's yard. I placed that rose bush next to the one I transplanted a few weeks ago that originally came from my Grandparents on the Kuehl side.

My yard holds memories for me and pieces of people who were important to me and that I love now grow in my yard. They are more then plants they hold a meaning to me something that might seem odd to others. The memories of childhood times or memories of grandparents- time spent with my parents . I often wonder if my kids will look at the things I have and what will they see. Will the memories stop with me ? Or will they look at them and think of how much they meant to me and have their memories of me ?

The flowers are so colorful this year and seem to tall --we have had plenty of rain to help them grow. So vibrant and makes one think while we have had more then enough rain--some beautiful comes from it ..
Much like the memories wrapped in my heart - a garden full of beautiful blooms

Dealing with the new Me

Over the weekened I had a fall I doesn't feel like I am hurt much but I will be seeing a Dr. today.
The one thing that I am dealing with the most seems to be the fact I have to switch my mindset. I know my disability changes parts of me. I have always been used to being able to be self sufficient- able to manage myself. I am fighting in my own mind right now about changing my mindset- changing what is my new normal-- and letting go of the things that I can't do anymore.

I never thought loosing a joint would affect me emotionally- you can't see it-- I know it is noticeable some with my straight leg. But it does change you-every thing I do I have to think it thru- Things like getting into the car- crawling into bed - putting on my shoes.

Most days I am great -- I know I sound like I am complaining I guess in  a way I am, There are days I get tired of the daily pain-- the new world leaves me with Dr's and scans .

In the beginning after the straight leg- the hope was that eventually I could walk with a cane or maybe even none at all.. now I know I need the walker for sure --

I am grateful to be alive-- to have not lost my leg and be wheelchair bound for life... I know they were all very close to real life. I am just working out things in my mind -- allowing myself let go of the things that don't  fit in my new life and finding ways to make my new live my new life to the fullest.


It just hit me hard when I fell and there was nothing I could do to get up and I hated being that dependent.It just makes me realize I need a plan to better help myself.


 

Trying to make up for loss time

After I was cleared to go back to work I felt out of sync but managed to get back into the mode of work. I missed it and so grateful to be back in the workforce. I spent spent the first few months so grateful I got to this side of things. I have flash backs now and then-- there are days it hits me what my life was like. 

The whole subject how I was septic-- but we thankfully caught it before it did any more damage. That haunted me for awhile- everything felt like a gift everything  felt intense. I couldn't stop saying how glad I was-- even those I am close too I couldn't stop telling them I love them-- hug them-- there was moments there was tears.

I have settled down some and have relaxed falling into my grove. Until this summer I had no life last summer-- there were projects I wanted done.. I can't put this into the exact words but it is like this force driving me to be outside. This urgency to get things done-- at times like I can't quite breath almost a panic feeling.. 

Over the weekend I was talking through the emotions with Bruce and finally it hit me I am trying to make up for last summer and live this summer too. I know one can't make up for lost time- and rationally it doesn't make sense. 

I am grateful for what I have and for being on this side.I am sure I am quite the scene for my neighbors. I am trudging along with my walker -which doesn't push well in the grass. When I pull weeds I bend over I can't sit or squat so I know there are moments of what is she doing.

Last night I was using the garden hose and I got hung up in it . My straight leg got stuck in a bunch of the coil of it. It was funny to me trying to get out of it without falling down. The one thing I have only done once.

I am trying to find humor and to take a deep breath and relax .....

This and that--nothing like going home

Today I went to Verdi to hang out with my parents and see one of my sister's and her youngest son.
I caught a glimpse of my walker in my rear view mirror on my drive - it doesn't seem that many years since it was seeing one of my kids car seat in my rear view-- time flies so fast.

As I was driving past the one farm that has Elk -- I saw the herd running along the fence line his big rack held proudly as he lead the group. Even though they were in a pen they looked so majestic. I could have pulled off the highway to just watch.


As I came up the Verdi road there were a couple deer making their journey across the road. Looking so peaceful and content walking into the field . It reminded me a of a time when I had just gotten my license and Dad sent me to Lake Benton for something. These two huge deer ( at the time they seemed huge) leaped out in front of the car.I remember slamming on the breaks and my heart just pounding .I was so nervous about wrecking the car.They were long gone by time my heart stopped racing- the car was fine.

I drove past my old school -the building that I spent all 12 years at. It now stands empty the days of it being used as a school long gone. I thought about all those memories inside the brick building- there was friendships made -- hearts broken. When I look back at those days life was so simple- but at the time as kids we are ready to burn through those years-- and get to the real world. Sometimes the real world isn't all that it is cracked up to be...Someday's it is truly the best thing ever...

I got to visit my parents--have coffee and lunch with them. We talked about the old days- my sister and I shared a few things about our young on our own days-- there was laughter... teasing ...

I left with mixed emotions .. grateful for the time we have with each other-- and for the memories-- but sad for lost days- the ones we never get back. As we all step through our life - there footprints we left and ones we have yet to make- but we can't retrace the old ones.

When I returned home to my family we are making plans to go camping again-- making memories that I hope when my kids are my age- they will look back with the same content feeling of how things were and that longing when you wish you could have that one more moment in the past.

I hope my kids take the time to appreciate the simple things -- the little bunny playing in the garden or the hawk sitting on the fence post.. I hope someday the little things will be ingrained in their mind..

Not stepping on toes----

I have spent most of my life trying to not rock the boat. I have never been good at outwardly expressing my opinion. I never liked speaking out in large groups and certainly expressing my views.
Don't get me wrong push far enough I would explode and tons of garbage would fly from my mouth. A friend of mine used to joke that when I hit that mode windows shattered. As I have aged I maybe have gotten better. I think as an employee I was forced to enforce rules and if something needed to be said to someone I could then state how I felt. But that was enforcing a rule..

There is so much controversy in today's world- and some many of us have our own opinion. On social media I sometimes forward things and somethings I want to share but am afraid of the backlash. Or being called out on it-- I know how I feel inside and somethings I either don't feel I can debate on effectively or I just don't want to get into it.

I know there are many things in this world that need fixing and I know there is a lot   of hurt in this world. There is also a lot of evil out there too- things that pray on our weaknesses. I can't really speak on lot of it.. I know I should be more educated on the world around. Many of those issues I give to God. I know we can all worry ourselves sick- if we let it happen.

I also know I am glad we have men and women who fight and are willing to die to keep evil at bay. I am grateful for those who are willing to sacrifice themselves --their families to fight the evils of this world.

I will be honest I never put a lot of thought when I was younger --I think 911 was my wake up call - it hit me how much my country meant to me.. all of a sudden someone was messing with my safe little bubble I had my head in.

The first 4th of July after 911 - I cried through the display.. I remember cursing those who hated our country--hated me.. every since then- I can't watch anything that deals with things that happened then-- documentary's of things that happened before I was even born -with out tears in my eyes.

Any patriotic song -- goosebumps -- any stories on our Veterans or the Active Duty-tears... Those tears don't just fall for our military but anyone who is putting their life on the line to protect those that need protection. There are stories of people who have let that power go to their heads and bad things have happened . But I want to believe they are the minority of those out there.

My husband would share some of things from his Marine Corps days -- things like when he was in a different country you played by their rules.

My deepest feelings and belief is in our country you play by our rules-- you want to be an American you do it the correct way. I know there is a lot of stuff that is happening around us. The images and stories of those trying to come here illegally . My heart goes out to them as a human how can it not.
As a parent of course my heart aches by images we see and the stories we hear.

I also think about if you are taking a risk doing something illegally you are taking the risk of harm.I am not saying anyone deserves harm-death-or even being separated from a loved on.

What my view is come to us legally-- yes I understand they are fleeing something evil.. I cant' imagine living is some of the things people come from.

My thought is also that I need to protect my family from things-- we need to protect our communities-- our country.. Our flag stands for so much --we need to remember that.

My thoughts go to the Veterans and Active duty military--the law enforcement-- and all the people who sacrifice each day do we have freedoms-- Even the freedom to say things they don't like about  our county.

There is so much I want to say and don't have the words for -- there are feelings deep inside --emotions --about so much .
I tend to not let it get on social media --because I tend to not like to step on toes.

Doing something new-- a Fundraiser for our Soldiers

Mission: Soldiers' Angels is a volunteer-led 501(c)(3) non-profit organization providing aid and comfort to the men and women of the United States Army, Marines, Navy, Air Force, Coast Guard, and their families. Founded by the mother of two American soldiers, we have hundreds of thousands of volunteers assisting veterans, wounded and deployed personnel and their families in a variety of unique and effective ways. Soldiers’ Angels responds quickly to requests for support and provides individualized, immediate assistance.  It is a “one-on-one, get it done quickly” organization.  Our volunteer Angels at home adopt individual deployed troops and stay in touch throughout their deployment. Wounded soldiers and their families are asked what they need, and Soldiers’ Angels responds in a hundred different ways:  voice-activated computers; financial assistance for loved ones to stay with their wounded family member; phone cards to call relatives who can’t visit as often as they wish, etc.  Both the organization and the program have grown, but, unfortunately, the needs of our deployed soldiers and their families are growing even faster. This is especially true for our young men and women who are wounded. The government is providing first-class medical care for our wounded soldiers, but it will never be able to provide all of what they deserve and so many services desperately needed by their families.  Soldiers’ Angels works closely with the Department of Defense, the nation’s major veterans groups and a variety of other military support organizations to make sure these brave young men and women who are being helped.

This is a mission statement from a Website I came across-- Soldier's Angels.. 

I am excited and nervous I plan to do a jewelry fundraiser-- and donate a portion to them..

Many don't know how deeply I care about our Active soldiers and our Veterans-- this is just  small step in what I would like to become involved with 

Camden

Going to parks whether it be county—city or state had been a huge part of our life since we first met.

Camden State park has probably had the most meaning to us this park we have gone to since we first met. In the beginning it was dates to get to know each other- after we married it was something, we shared moments there. We have walked that park one end to another all seasons. We have seen the park in the spring with baby deer and coons – the summer with the leaves all lush. In the fall time we have walked trails and watched deer scamper off in the brightly colored leaves. We have walked thru huge snowbanks and took pictures of many herds of deer.

Camden has always been special to us- for years it was shared with our dog. There was a time we thought we would never have a family. While it broke our heart we still loved Camden and kept it as a part of our life.

Now we have kids and we have included them in our outings – things they will remember always. Camping trips-swimming in the ice cold pond, and walking trails. They don’t yet understand the meaning to us. I hope in time they will see it-the feeling of sharing something you loved so much and handing on to your kids.

While after my illness sharing Camden isn’t quite the same- I can’t walk the trails- swim in the pond. Things are different now—but still we are together and we are sharing Camden- the love of nature.

See Me

See me

I look in the mirror

Who do I see

Blue eyes looking back at me

Who is that

She wears many hats

But who  is she.

 In the mirror who

Looking back me

Often we get lost in the reflection

Breathe

Breathe in

Breathe out

I remind myself often

Breathe –let you mind open

Take time to feel the sun on your face

Let the sounds of the bird singing his song take you away

Breathe feel the world around you

Take it one step -focus on the positive

Take it one hour let yourself feel empowered

Take it one day each breath fills you

Breathe in

Lazy Sunday-trying to be kind to myself

I overdid it the last couple of days- we have been getting the camper ready for next weekend. Plus we went to Camden -kids played in the water and we grilled - Zach made some really scrumptious Venison steak--


Today I have a lot of pain- from the things I have done.I know in therapy they told me to not over exert . I am to get exercise to stay mobile and maintain independence and to use wheelchair for big outings.

I will be honest I struggle with having to let go and accept some of new limitations. I am very grateful for where I am as far as how sick I was and how close to death I was and almost never walking again... so I know I am fortunate..


I also know the advice I would give someone in my spot would be to follow the directions of the therapist.. embrace your life as it is ..

So I will try --I will allow my body the days it needs to take it easy and on big outings to use my wheelchair...

I know this was a second chance for me -- I need to use it appropriately---

Why is it being kind to oneself can me the hardest thing to do. 

Happy Fourth of July

As a kid the Fourth was mainly about the town potluck picnic-- ice cream--ball games and Fireworks. I didn't put a whole lot of thought into what freedom meant. I was born into freedom... I didn't know war time -- my ancestors already paved the way for us to be here. So I just took things for granted I lived in a safe home--parents who loved us-extended family to spend time with. I didn't know fear as some of the war torn countries do. I don't think it even truly hit me what the soldiers and families went through to keep us free. I was a kid who never had to fear those losses ..
But I always was grateful-- and knew some had less--we weren't rich but that never mattered.


As I got older met more people listened to more stories I understood better- I knew there was sacrifices made. I still couldn't wrap my mind around the commitment that it took to sign up and say I am willing to die for my country. I didn't get how a complete stranger would put their life on the line to keep me safe. I knew my dad did it-- cousins and Uncles that did it. but I was still young..

Thru high school I got a grasp and while I still don't understand the hate that drive some people I got to see there was an evil that needed to be stood up too.

While I am not good at speaking out on politics--and sometimes I keep thoughts to myself..

But I have always supported the men and women who fought for us.. and understood what our flag stood for--I will always honor that.

When 911 hit I think that really was when things rang the loudest in my heart... evil came to us.. people I knew were headed to war..

Now I can't listen to a patriotic song or story with out goosebumps and tears... So the 4th to me is means Freedom due to blood and lives lost for me and my family free.
I love our country and the symbols that stand for it..
I know there is so much controversy in this world- but my heart is still with the basic--we are free and men and women are keeping me free ..

Have a safe holiday- enjoy your family time-- that has been made possible my the things our flag stands for .

Knight in shining armor

To start this I love to read -at night I log onto my Kindle and read--yep in the dark hard on my eyes I know . Bruce will ask what I am reading -- he knows it is usually a Romance Novel of some form.

My favorites are Military Romance or some Alpha Bada@@ stepping in to save the day.
I teased Bruce last night he is my Alpha BA--- he laughs and says no never my style..
 Maybe he is right in a sense he isn't a man to use his fists and threats--but he is very much my BA.

When I met him I was 19-- had a few big crushes and one boyfriend---so dating world was new new ground yet...

I was asleep one night a a girlfriend begged me to come out for awhile -- so I agreed -- so I throw on my fake leather black pants-- and  some shirt to go with it....
We walked in and met up with friends us hers,, got to visiting -- I noticed him--I was shy -- he was sitting next to a girl-- we got talking and I asked if they were dating -- both assured me no--- Bruce gets up comes back and kicks the guy that sat down beside me out of the chair. He just gave the guy a look that I guess in guy speak was move it she is mine... Bruce never left my side that night -- kept my drink glass full ( was drinking sprite ) -- I was a cheap date

No one ever kicked a guy out of the way to lame claim as you wish on me.. I was awe struck-- he spent the evening telling me about being in the Marines -the places he has been -- and now he was in town driving semi .

In my eyes he seemed so worldly -- and I kept thinking -- he could have anyone why me.....That is a question that I asked myself often thru the years...

It was a quick romance met July 24th and married May 22nd.. it was a simple wedding but the happiest day of my life.
They say girls are attracted to men like their fathers - Bruce and my dad are different in many ways but there is a core value in them both--they are loyal to their family--protect their own always. They are good men--hard working -devoted .
Through the years we have been tested -- when we wanted to start a family we found out I had some problems that they had hoped an exploratory surgery would be able to clean up scar tissue-- or anything else that was causing issues. I still remember the night before surgery he whispered in my ear to please wake up and come back to him after the procedure.

Things didn't go well-- we tried fertility drugs -- nothing worked --

We were devastated-- Bruce's theory was to adapt and over come -- I struggled with that and fell into a depression--He assured me that if it was just the 2 of us forever he was happy. A lot if tough things had been said to me beings I was the cause of us not having kids--never by Bruce he was my Bad A@@ fighting for us-- but others -- there was you should leave him so he can have a chance to have children with someone---- or I would kill myself in your shoes.... tons of ugly things were said..
But my Knight continued to support me and vow he was happy with me--- often I felt I fell short of what he deserved but my guy just took control-- and battled my demon inside----

When time came we decided to adopt-- we knew it would change our lives and beings we were going thru the Special Needs adoption there were things that could or would be different then typical parenting ... yep we adopted 2 wonderful kids who both have had their challenges --due to the cards dealt from either Bio parents choice or due to issues during the pregnancy..
Bruce stood along side-- learned what needed to be learned to better meet the kids needs .

The day though when the world stood still was when he had his heart attack-- we knew he been struggling but his Dr then dismissed his symptoms-- so with the advice of a his cousin--we headed to Sioux Falls to the heart hosp.. when they ran the tests-- his heart was almost completely blocked -- the main artery was at 90%---
I was so scared-- and we were so close to have lost him-- turned out he had a couple of small ones and was leading up to the big one... he had Quadruple by pass---
The Dr acted like the procedure was no big deal everyone was so supportive -- I was in shock--He came through fine-- there was some heart damage but he was ok-- while he was in recovery- they let me come in he was pretty out of it and I stepped back to let him rest-- he grabbed my hand mumbled no don't --he was pale-- and hardly focused but he wanted me..
Now he is on disability-- doing ok-- he has congestive heart failure but he still battles on-- stands up for his family-- loves all fiercely
To me he is my Alpha Male-- Bad a@@-- and yes I still look at him and think you could of had anyone... but he is mine ---I love him just as fiercely back

Enough

I don't think I am the only one who deals with that little voice in their head that wonders are you enough. I have heard that voice --the one makes you wonder as a woman am I enough-- I sexy enough to my husband-- I am I good a good enough sister -- daughter..friend..mother
Am I smart enough--
Yes there has been people in my live to make me doubt myself.. but I also  have had plenty of people in my life you have affirmed that I am.
I have parents who love me--sisters who love me-- friends who love me..a husband who loves me..
children that love me..

Why do I let that voice in-- but I do-- Even after all I have gone through-- the voice is always there..
I fight that voice everyday--everyday I get up and push through... I have gotten better to not let it bog me down in the muck of self doubt-

Even as a little girl that voice crept in... and I had parents who treated me  as if I did matter -- so I can't say well my childhood was rough-- I have been married a long time to husband who has always supported me -- love me-- so at what point does that voice quiet -- just when

One of my many favorite things

One of my favorite things this summer has been to sit outside in my swing. I listen to the birds-- there are 2 Goldfinches that keep flying around .. fun to watch ... tonight there was a really young squirrel playing in the yard. The last year I spent so much time in the hospital or just not feeling well or mobile enough to go anywhere
It is so peaceful to just sit out there and listen to the world around me . Each day I remind myself how lucky I am to be on this side of the hurdle.
I always have some pain and some little things to deal with .. I seem to need my walker for the best support. But I am living life.. something I longed for all those months trying to fight the infection.

There are so many emotions --- that roam in my head- 

Those who have left us

Today we went to a family reunion.... the battle I had last year has made me even more aware of time There was many days last year I worried about what was going to happen to me. I felt the love and support of so many.. I cherish that .. They will never know how that pulled me through.

As I looked around the room I thought about the days when I was a kid and going with my parents . As a kid it is food and fun-- you don't think about how everyone in the room either is married to or shares the blood in my veins . We as kids don't think about a time we won't have some of them around as we age .

Some of them left way too young-- and some I guess just left before we were ready.
I found myself wondering what would they think of me. The women I have become -- the mom I am.
Would they be proud of me- laugh at my short comings.. I don't know but today it was heavy on my heart --what if's

I find myself think about too I was more of an observer as a kid -- I loved watching the people around me... never quite had the self confidence to always join in,

I would love to have a time machine to go back for just a brief visit

Today-- my thoughts are on all the nursing assistants and nurses who took care of me

Being dependent on others is tough with that being said last summer I relied on so many people .

I had some really great people in my journey- I was a regular in the Marshall Hospital and there was so many of the staff who knew me - they knew my likes and dislikes. I appreciated  all of their caring ways ..In today's setting they have so many convenient ways to do personal cares there are pre made packs they heat up in a warmer --The wipes have a leave on soap in them and they have hair washing caps that have a leave in shampoo. --In a perfect world it sounds great but while yes it freshened you up.. I always felt not quite clean-- I am old school nothing like a wash basin and soap and water .The nurses knew that so they went and found me a wash basin and baby shampoo -- My sister made me a care package and got me some good smelling stuff later on..
The one aide found us a clean bed pan--- and would line my bed with  water proof pads and would wash my hair that way-- ( the bedpan was to catch the water )
She didn't have too bu she wanted me to feel as comfortable as I could .

They were my lifeline -- when I was there I always knew they cared . and the compassion given by them was amazing ...

Speaking of bedpans-- never in my life would I think that was going to be something I would ever need.. but not weight bearing --and times neither leg would bear weight--- it becomes a norm.

In the Marshall hosp and Benson Hosp-- it was mainly females nurses and it didn't bother me... But in Sioux Falls it was mainly male aides-- and young some of them seemed only a few years older then some of the kids I work with in school..

But they were respectful and kind not once did they make me feel uncomfortable. I was there a little over a week so they didn't really get to know me to know my likes or dislikes. I have to say though they did go out of their way to help me. They would chat with me share stories of their lives-- ask about mine..
There were others lab techs-- other Dr.s so many in my journey who truly were worried for me-- and cared about how I was doing.. some shared tears with me... or crack a joke to get my mind off of things.
The nursing home stays -- the stay in Tyler-- everyone rallied around me to make me feel cared for .. They too held my hand on rough days--
Marshall-- between the staff and therapy-- they too made me feel cared about ...
I believe all of that helped in my getting through a really rough time. I missed my life- my husband-my kids everything about who I was ...so many tears were shed last year.... There is no way to thank all of those people -- but I think about them and hold them close ... I hope they all realized what their empathy meant .

Last year at this time I was in so much pain-- no weight bearing. Bruce had to help with many of my personal cares. I am so grateful to be on this side of things.

My mind wanders to certain moments some of them are just little blips of time others are longer .
I was thinking today about the long needle they would use to stick into my knee joint to draw fluid out to test to see if the infection was still there. I was told by a Dr that beings most of our fluid in our knee is at the back of the knee it is hard to withdraw fluid.. It would hurt so bad when they would go drilling for fluid (ok not drilling but that is what it felt like ).

That was truly the most painful of needle things I had to endure during the whole time.
Next I think the worse surgery was when metal screws were put in my leg to secure the metal fixater - it was this bar the basically kept the gap where my knee was to keep it open until surgery.. I hurt so bad coming to after that surgery. I remember hugging my mom crying how bad it hurt ... once they had me settled and everyone went home .. the pain meds that they had given me wore off - I had my light on for just a few moments the nurse come in I was in tears --- usually I have great pain tolerance-- she was so nice she quickly left the room and promptly brought me something fast acting and then something longer term.. I wore that thing for a long time.. after the pain was under control-- wearing it wasn't really an issue.. it was alittle weird thinking that those screws were in my bone.
I still have one of those spots that has scar tissue in it were it puffs of -- and I massage it to break things up.

Having a PIC line put in was not all that big of a deal the first one they inserted while I was in surgery- the second I was awake -- my attitude was OH Heck you better knock me out.. but it truly wasn't a problem you don't really feel anything ,, and of the two or I had placed everyone was so supportive and comforting .
The antibiotics on the other hand were really harsh on my tummy and I could hardly eat -- I lived on tums- liquid antacids and anti diarrhea meds. it was the only way I survived .

It is funny how little things come back some days I might be grumbling about my pain in my hips-- then I get a flashback on oh yeah.... last year at this time I wasn't sure I was going to walk again.