Trying to make up for loss time

After I was cleared to go back to work I felt out of sync but managed to get back into the mode of work. I missed it and so grateful to be back in the workforce. I spent spent the first few months so grateful I got to this side of things. I have flash backs now and then-- there are days it hits me what my life was like. 

The whole subject how I was septic-- but we thankfully caught it before it did any more damage. That haunted me for awhile- everything felt like a gift everything  felt intense. I couldn't stop saying how glad I was-- even those I am close too I couldn't stop telling them I love them-- hug them-- there was moments there was tears.

I have settled down some and have relaxed falling into my grove. Until this summer I had no life last summer-- there were projects I wanted done.. I can't put this into the exact words but it is like this force driving me to be outside. This urgency to get things done-- at times like I can't quite breath almost a panic feeling.. 

Over the weekend I was talking through the emotions with Bruce and finally it hit me I am trying to make up for last summer and live this summer too. I know one can't make up for lost time- and rationally it doesn't make sense. 

I am grateful for what I have and for being on this side.I am sure I am quite the scene for my neighbors. I am trudging along with my walker -which doesn't push well in the grass. When I pull weeds I bend over I can't sit or squat so I know there are moments of what is she doing.

Last night I was using the garden hose and I got hung up in it . My straight leg got stuck in a bunch of the coil of it. It was funny to me trying to get out of it without falling down. The one thing I have only done once.

I am trying to find humor and to take a deep breath and relax .....