My ramblings

 Well, it has been a while, thoughts blur and I have a tough time getting them to stop long enough to get them typed out. 

So I am going to type up the best I can tonight - try to get back into getting my thoughts from my head to print. 

I upgraded to a new walker this one the seat is higher so I can sit on it and get back up again.. The other one was too low. Looking at it I have mixed feelings I feel like screams at me how unstable my steps are and with all my back pain I need the extra for support. 

After the MRSA infection and being septic my outlook at the fused knee was I was so grateful for my life and it didn't matter that I would walk with a limp and no longer able to bend my knee. I embraced the fact I was still with my family and able to work at the job I loved. I was able to for a long time after that  until I got sick with COVID and alot changed.

The fused knee threw my gait off which in turn caused curvature in my spine.. I have arthritis in my hips. daily I hurt somedays I can't stand, and walking is really hard. I am in the process of working with the Dr;s to find the best way to deal with it .. 

I have been having some swelling and pain in my knee I got last fall Dr;s are keeping an eye on it increased my antibiotics incase an infection is brewing .

Some day's I struggle with being ok with my life.. I want to be working help lighten the financial stress- but I know I can't - I believe that being that close to death twice in such a short time means something and I keep wondering what - what lesson was I to learn- The whole what purpose in life is mine .

It is a struggle to feel as though you are enough .

Time

 Time is a thief 

It tricks you into thinking you have plenty of it

One gets complacent and then suddenly it is gone

You are left with thoughts and often regrets

Memories play through your mind 

Disbelief there won’t be more to make

Wishes you had used your time more wisely

Often we learn to late to use time wisely

In school as kids we were to that so often

But we just think time is in abundance.

Now we are left with thoughts of 

Did you read my last email or text ?

Did they know I loved them?

We forget we all have an expiration date 

One that no one knows the end.

We need to remember what we were taught

Use our time wisely 

Late night thoughts

 Last night as I was working on falling asleep I was listening to the dogs snoring. My thoughts drifted to all the dogs in my life through the years. There hasn’t been a time except for a couple years that I have not had a dog in my life. 

When we were first married we had a Samoyed mix- Sasha she was a great dog and we took her out walking everywhere. We used to go to Camden State Park often when I would go with Bruce. We took her on so many trails she loved it. 

Typically we did Camden as an outing with the three of us . One day I was off from work so for a treat we got up headed out there about 8 AM just her and I. It was an early spring day there still snow on the ground that had melted some 

The air still had a bite to it,the walking trails were either too muddy to walk or still melting snow blocking them. So we stayed on the paved road and started our walk. Her tail was happily wagging away her nose taking in all the smells. I was listening to the birds singing the breeze had a kiss of warmer weather to come.

Behind me I heard a big rustle in the trees and when I looked around there was a huge herd of deer running towards us. I never really figured out what spooked them to have them towards us. 

They were so close I could see the bits of snow on their eyelashes- they stopped for a bit to look at the lone person and a dog. Then they circled us, melted  snow and mud spattered on my face . We just stood there as they ran past us up into the trees. Sasha just stood there she didn’t make a sound.Her eyes were on them and her ears were up. I often wondered why she never reacted and what made them pay us no mind. 

It is one of those moments that will forever stand out in my mind . I loved taking the dogs out there and hike trails , Something I can’t do anymore -I can walk on paved trails but those big hikes are out now.

My Infertility

 Infertility is a very raw and lonely world.I still remember the endless tears and the nights bargaining with God to let me be a mom. I always felt like I didn’t fit in anywhere . Some people were kind about it but there were so many cruel things said. I don’t know if they realized how cruel they were being .I often felt that I wasn’t good enough not woman enough.

Polycystic ovary syndrome is a word that the Doctor  used to tell  me what was wrong with me and that infertility was pretty much a given. I was given some pamphlets to read. We didn’t have Google at the time . Support groups were not  really all that  common in the area I lived in.We were told we could try fertility meds The doctor seemed hopeful and encouraged that this could be overcome. 

All I knew was that I wanted to be a mom more than anything . My plan was to follow my mother’s footsteps, get married ,have a few kids and raise them. After I met my husband I saw the future of little people.   

We decided to go ahead and do the work up to see what we could do to try and start our family.There was a big blood work up ,ultrasounds and other tests run to see what might be the cause of things . During one of the exams the Dr had stated he thought there was evidence that I had at one time perhaps miscarried but it had to be very early in the pregnancy. 

I have never really known what to say about that . They only briefly spoke of it . I remember thinking well if I had gotten pregnant once, maybe another time . That never happened again and it just got lumped into the sadness and loss I felt dealing with infertility.

 I had a laparoscopy procedure to look at the reproductive anatomy . I had endometriosis that was burnt off  with that cleared up. We then moved on to attempting fertility drugs.  

We did 2 rounds of Clomid. They were expensive meds and my hormones were all over the place . I would  go from angry to sad and then depressed . One had to plan out intimacy to get the best outcome. It would be hard to plan sex around being angry and emotional. The hormones were rough .

 I remember picking up a cookie jar and throwing it across the room .The reason behind that I am unsure. At the time I belief I was upset over something at Bruce and 

All really hard words to hear - words that took the wind out of us. My world shifted at those words- we tried a few rounds of fertility drugs. Nothing made a difference except while the meds didn’t make a difference fertility wise but the hormone levels raging through made things tough. 

Aside from all the medical part of infertility the mental part was the roughest . 

There were a range of comments made to me  while some were poor jokes, some  were just cruel comments - One friend offered to sleep with my husband and carry a baby for us… one was if she was infertile she would have to kill herself. There were few comments of how I should divorce my husband so he can find himself a fertile girl.

 

Then there were friends and family having babies and you are truly happy for them but on the inside sobbing because it wasn’t you. 

I remember the feeling as if you were enough and just what would my future hold  my husband never faltered. He was always by my side and wore a straight face. All will be good . He proclaimed many times he wasn’t leaving and we would be ok. I really struggled with that thought about what ok would look like. 

I would have days I would have it together and felt like together he and I would be ok. Then there were days when something triggered those feelings to bubble up to the surface and I would feel the whole wound open up again.

Those emotions would bleed all over us. The tears and shame and self hate would be right there staring at me. I struggled to believe he truly was ok with whatever our altered life was now. That feeling of you being lacking or not enough are some horrible emotions that once they get into your mind they suffocate your soul.

I wasn’t happy with myself so why was he content. I remember praying and  bargaining witTh God. I even asked one night  for God to take me so he could move on and find someone that would make him happy and give him kids.

The depression was dark and distorted for a while. I just wanted to raise a family.

Finally I worked those things through my mind and came to terms with it and decided I would be the best friend to him I could be . 

At that time I don't know if it was because I was too young and shy to really reach out and talk to someone about all of it . The whole journey was tough, there was pain like I can never express and guilt and sadness.

We did hit a stage where we agreed to try to move forward and heal. The void was always there ,the emptiness of it just the two of us . About the time we thought parenthood was behind us we decided to look into Special Needs Adoption through the county. That healed so many wounds we didn’t even know that they were still open.

Guardian Angel

 Her guardian angel weeps for  all she can do is stay near

Tonight he is vile; her angel is shedding the tears she can’t 

No longer has the will to fight;letting him shame her to submission

Her  angle look up at God and says how much more of this

Silently she folds her wings around the abused.

The angel looks into the eyes and sees the emptiness there.

At one time this was a happy vibrant one who laughs at the stars 

Danced with the breeze-but now that is gone

Her angel keeps her watch but her pleas fall short

But at night when her tears fall and her sobs can be heard

She is wrapped in the soft loving wings and comforted 

We are never truly alone

Death of Scarredback

 Warrior’s bloodied sword

Lunging still straight ahead

Slicing the flesh down to the bone

Spilling the rancid blood to the ground

The green grass withers up at the touch

The air is rank with smell of evil

Each thrust ridding the land

Of another vile animal

We raise up our fists in celebration 

To the fall of this evil villian

It is a dance of victory and praise,

Tonight the monster lies in his own blood 

The night in his posts battle voice 

Assures the land -tonight you sleep;

The monster Scarredback no longer 

Roams the land

My COVID Story

 I tried to recap in my mind the time around my having COVID. I can’t really express how it all felt but this is my attempt.I was so sick and out of it that I didn’t care what they did to me in the hospital. I remember them being so dedicated to me. The respiratory department didn’t leave me alone . Someone was always in my room encouraging and monitoring my situation. 

I remember being talked to about making certain choices before that freedom was taken from me. There was a really nice young man taking care of me and he squeezed my arm and said you are holding your own yet .

Shortly after that statement I was admitted to ICU- the staff called Bruce and I was declared unable to make my own choices. They were preparing me to be put on a ventilator. I agreed to 2 trial meds and they had started them. I believe those are what turned the course for me. 

Thoughts about my family would drift through me would the last memory for my husband and daughter be of leaving me off at the ER department. My son wasn’t home when I left. What if that would haunt him not seeing me before I left.

Covid 19 in the beginning it seemed unreal to me that we would be heading into a Pandemic. I remember when we started to talk with the school kids about it. As  staff we tried to walk that fine line of explaining to them what things might look like  but we didn’t want to overload them and cause anxiety.

Also attempting to teach them the importance of not only protecting themselves but also those around them who might be more susceptible to the virus.

None of us knew what the future held  as far as teaching the kids -we talked with them about what distance learning could look like. While none of us knew what that even looked like. The Governor announced we would be doing distance learning  leaving us to complete the remaining  school year at home.

Summertime we stayed home  and if we left the house we wore masks . It was a really different life but we did what we had to do to stay safe. The following school year we started the school year switched to partial kids in school and some online for distance learning ,rotating days between home and online.

My morning routine with the Para’s was to take temperatures of the students and screen them for any Covid symptoms and follow protocol set up if someone  showed any signs of illness.Through the month of September things went fairly smooth, Everything had fallen into a routine and seemed like Covid had not affected me personally yet.

I really was more concerned about my parents or my husband and daughter getting Covid than myself. Little did I know who things would take a turn soon. 

Then at the end of September there had been a few students who had been exposed and quarantined. They either had symptoms of Covid or  had been exposed to someone with Covid. On Friday October 1st 2020 I had gone to a rummage sale in town- I rarely had gone anywhere trying to limit as much chance as I could to exposures. Saturday the 2nd I felt like I had allergy symptoms which I blamed on all the dusty things at the rummage sale and it also was fall time. Through the weekend I never felt worse  so I blamed it on allergy/asthma symptoms. I went to work on  Monday -Tuesday feeling stuffy  but felt like much like allergies.

Tuesday night October 6th I ran my first temp of 101. I called into work and went to the Dr. 

I took  COVID test and was told to isolate and wait .I reported to work what the Dr told me . Between Wednesday -Friday I ran nightly temps one night I hit 104  and I had chills like I had never before experienced .  I was having dizzy spells and weakness. Simple tasks were causing me extreme fatigue and exhaustion .

On Friday the clinic called and stated my Covid test was negative but if I didn't’ improve I should call back. I was really feeling weak and miserable. This was an illness I had never felt before. I had started to get dizzy walking short distances . I noticed the feeling as if my oxygen was cute off there was no wheezing but just like someone had squeezed my neck . That should have been a big sign I guess but I was so weak and I guess my mind just wasn’t thinking as clearly as it should have.

Saturday was Liza’s birthday. I so much wanted to make her day special. She had been home doing distance learning since the school year started. Bruce had gotten her some fancy cupcakes and I attempted to eat one with her but I remember feeling so awful that I couldn’t enjoy it .

This is when the illness was starting to take a stronger hold on me .My sister now tells me I wasn’t making much sense. I sounded awful on the phone and my thought process was altered. It took her some pushing to get me to get help. They both after I got better stated it was frustrating in my clear head I would have known better. I would have pushed someone to go to ER NOW. if someone had told me that was how they were feeling.

Something told me in the back of my head to check my 02 level. I was at a 78% which 90 % and higher is good .I knew I felt off but it wasn’t until much later I understood how slowed up my thought process was . I messaged my sister who I spoke  to alot throughout the day. She asked me if I was going to the Dr or what my plan was. 

I spoke to the ER nurse and she had me recheck the battery on my oximeter to rule out a low battery giving such a low reading . I did and  I was just reading that low. I knew Bruce wasn’t feeling the best so I was concerned about leaving him . 

Bruce and Liza brought me to the ER. Due to regulations  they had to leave me in the parking lot.  I went in with the nurse I felt awful and scared .. My 02 levels dropped to the low 70’s . They ordered a new Covid test which would come back positive .I had a scan of my chest which showed pneumonia. 

During this time I was texting my sister -she talked with me to give her my log in informations for my Clinic portal so if something like me going on a ventilator and unable to speak someone could read the test results and documentation of how I was doing . 

I was started on an IV and given some steroids and antibiotics in the Tyler Er. The plan was to wait for the results of Covid test if was positive I would be transferred to Sioux Falls if negative I would be admitted locally and treated for pneumonia .

Once we got the news about the results things moved fairly quick and I was on my way to Sioux Falls by ambulance. I texted  my sister and asked to call Bruce and my other sister and our parents. 

I was so uncomfortable no matter how much oxygen forced into me lungs I just couldn’t get it in. There was no position I could get into to be at ease. I spoke abit with my husband on the way but it was so hard to breath and talk I couldn't talk. 

I treated my cellphone as a life line. I didn’t let it go. I would text small bits  to my sister - I made her the point person she would share what she could.I texted a couple of coworkers to give them a heads up on my being positive for covid and being transferred to Sioux Falls .

I remember having thoughts about dying and questions about would I see my family again? Just breathing was effort and it started to become too hard to think.  

A friend of ours had died that same week but not from Covid I kept thinking about him on my ride.Thinking about his last thoughts and wondered if that was my ending too. 

I thought about Bruce. He hadn't felt great that weekend either if I said much to health professionals it was my worry about him and the kids. I kept being reminded by them that I need to focus and fight for my health so I could go home to them .I even emailed our clinic to have them check up on him. 

Once I got to the hospital some things were a blur I know when I was transferred from the ambulance into the hospital I was double masked and there were 2 room transfers that I was double masked and a blanket over my head.

The staff at the hospital were so good to me, I could see the concern but everyone did all they could to keep me alive..My first night there was rough and my oxygen levels were really low . The respiratory therapist stayed really close to me - he changed different tubings to try and get air into me .

I was told I had pneumonia due to Covid and basically all the air sacs were fille  and air isn’t allowed in. They talked with me about the trial medicines and I agreed shortly that I needed too. Praying that they would help and not cause me harm.

I wore a face mask pretty much the whole time so talking to me was out  and seeing was out I wasn’t able to wear my glasses . I sent texts to my sisters - some did not make sense. It took so much effort to type up any form of a sentence. 

On the day I upgraded from wearing masks to nasal tubing I could call family. I called my husband remembering my voice sounding so weak. It sounded frail and unlike my voice. I called my mom. I can still hear the sense of relief in her voice. My sisters both had tears in their voices. I think we all had pretty much had it in the back of our minds I was lucky to be talking to them

The discharging Dr told me it was nearly unheard of to be discharged from ICU and sent home in a week. I had beaten  some really steep odds and was encouraged to take things slow to heal .

Coming home  there were so many emotions, I was concerned about my family. Bruce hadn’t been feeling the greatest either and I didn’t have the strength to take care of him. Luckily we had friends who delivered food to us and checked in. They have no idea how much of a life saver that was for us .

I was discharged with a team who would monitor me and check in with me to see how I was recovering. There are still lingering effects of COVID but I am lucky.

Beside my family- my other family my job weighed heavy on my mind. I had asked to come back but from home and only for a few hours a day for a while. I was stressed. I really felt wiped out and worried about my group of kids I was helping. We were nearing the end of the quarter and I had a few who were struggling . Virtually it is harder to help with assignments and actually get things handed in. 

I felt so helpless I was full of concern for my family,my students and I was coping with the mentaly impact of almost dying . Don’t get me wrong I am very grateful I survived but it is the aftershock of the what ifs . 

We had popped in on my parents about Thanksgiving time. All masked up and standing on the front deck. Trying to use as much distancing as we could. My dad was choked up seeing me and kept saying we are damn lucky you are here. Those emotions were so strong only stated in simple words but I agreed completely.

Next month is my one year mark- I have lots of feelings about it . We as a society are still dealing with COVID. It scares me and it is always in my mind about precautions and just what is safe for us.

As of now I still struggle with some Long Hauler issues. My racing heart beat is treated with medicine. My brain fog has improved but it is still very much there. I will be talking and suddenly the word I want is gone and I have to ask the person I am talking to to help me fill in the blanks.

Even recapping this doesn’t really hit the fear I felt and all other emotions I had due this. While some have gotten COVID and really didn’t suffer much,that is great for them.But for those who did and survived it was an illness I had never had before . It truly was just try to take over .