One of my favorite things this summer has been to sit outside in my swing. I listen to the birds-- there are 2 Goldfinches that keep flying around .. fun to watch ... tonight there was a really young squirrel playing in the yard. The last year I spent so much time in the hospital or just not feeling well or mobile enough to go anywhere
It is so peaceful to just sit out there and listen to the world around me . Each day I remind myself how lucky I am to be on this side of the hurdle.
I always have some pain and some little things to deal with .. I seem to need my walker for the best support. But I am living life.. something I longed for all those months trying to fight the infection.
There are so many emotions --- that roam in my head-
Thursday, June 27, 2019
Sunday, June 23, 2019
Those who have left us
Today we went to a family reunion.... the battle I had last year has made me even more aware of time There was many days last year I worried about what was going to happen to me. I felt the love and support of so many.. I cherish that .. They will never know how that pulled me through.
As I looked around the room I thought about the days when I was a kid and going with my parents . As a kid it is food and fun-- you don't think about how everyone in the room either is married to or shares the blood in my veins . We as kids don't think about a time we won't have some of them around as we age .
Some of them left way too young-- and some I guess just left before we were ready.
I found myself wondering what would they think of me. The women I have become -- the mom I am.
Would they be proud of me- laugh at my short comings.. I don't know but today it was heavy on my heart --what if's
I find myself think about too I was more of an observer as a kid -- I loved watching the people around me... never quite had the self confidence to always join in,
I would love to have a time machine to go back for just a brief visit
As I looked around the room I thought about the days when I was a kid and going with my parents . As a kid it is food and fun-- you don't think about how everyone in the room either is married to or shares the blood in my veins . We as kids don't think about a time we won't have some of them around as we age .
Some of them left way too young-- and some I guess just left before we were ready.
I found myself wondering what would they think of me. The women I have become -- the mom I am.
Would they be proud of me- laugh at my short comings.. I don't know but today it was heavy on my heart --what if's
I find myself think about too I was more of an observer as a kid -- I loved watching the people around me... never quite had the self confidence to always join in,
I would love to have a time machine to go back for just a brief visit
Saturday, June 22, 2019
Today-- my thoughts are on all the nursing assistants and nurses who took care of me
Being dependent on others is tough with that being said last summer I relied on so many people .
I had some really great people in my journey- I was a regular in the Marshall Hospital and there was so many of the staff who knew me - they knew my likes and dislikes. I appreciated all of their caring ways ..In today's setting they have so many convenient ways to do personal cares there are pre made packs they heat up in a warmer --The wipes have a leave on soap in them and they have hair washing caps that have a leave in shampoo. --In a perfect world it sounds great but while yes it freshened you up.. I always felt not quite clean-- I am old school nothing like a wash basin and soap and water .The nurses knew that so they went and found me a wash basin and baby shampoo -- My sister made me a care package and got me some good smelling stuff later on..
The one aide found us a clean bed pan--- and would line my bed with water proof pads and would wash my hair that way-- ( the bedpan was to catch the water )
She didn't have too bu she wanted me to feel as comfortable as I could .
They were my lifeline -- when I was there I always knew they cared . and the compassion given by them was amazing ...
Speaking of bedpans-- never in my life would I think that was going to be something I would ever need.. but not weight bearing --and times neither leg would bear weight--- it becomes a norm.
In the Marshall hosp and Benson Hosp-- it was mainly females nurses and it didn't bother me... But in Sioux Falls it was mainly male aides-- and young some of them seemed only a few years older then some of the kids I work with in school..
But they were respectful and kind not once did they make me feel uncomfortable. I was there a little over a week so they didn't really get to know me to know my likes or dislikes. I have to say though they did go out of their way to help me. They would chat with me share stories of their lives-- ask about mine..
There were others lab techs-- other Dr.s so many in my journey who truly were worried for me-- and cared about how I was doing.. some shared tears with me... or crack a joke to get my mind off of things.
The nursing home stays -- the stay in Tyler-- everyone rallied around me to make me feel cared for .. They too held my hand on rough days--
Marshall-- between the staff and therapy-- they too made me feel cared about ...
I believe all of that helped in my getting through a really rough time. I missed my life- my husband-my kids everything about who I was ...so many tears were shed last year.... There is no way to thank all of those people -- but I think about them and hold them close ... I hope they all realized what their empathy meant .
I had some really great people in my journey- I was a regular in the Marshall Hospital and there was so many of the staff who knew me - they knew my likes and dislikes. I appreciated all of their caring ways ..In today's setting they have so many convenient ways to do personal cares there are pre made packs they heat up in a warmer --The wipes have a leave on soap in them and they have hair washing caps that have a leave in shampoo. --In a perfect world it sounds great but while yes it freshened you up.. I always felt not quite clean-- I am old school nothing like a wash basin and soap and water .The nurses knew that so they went and found me a wash basin and baby shampoo -- My sister made me a care package and got me some good smelling stuff later on..
The one aide found us a clean bed pan--- and would line my bed with water proof pads and would wash my hair that way-- ( the bedpan was to catch the water )
She didn't have too bu she wanted me to feel as comfortable as I could .
They were my lifeline -- when I was there I always knew they cared . and the compassion given by them was amazing ...
Speaking of bedpans-- never in my life would I think that was going to be something I would ever need.. but not weight bearing --and times neither leg would bear weight--- it becomes a norm.
In the Marshall hosp and Benson Hosp-- it was mainly females nurses and it didn't bother me... But in Sioux Falls it was mainly male aides-- and young some of them seemed only a few years older then some of the kids I work with in school..
But they were respectful and kind not once did they make me feel uncomfortable. I was there a little over a week so they didn't really get to know me to know my likes or dislikes. I have to say though they did go out of their way to help me. They would chat with me share stories of their lives-- ask about mine..
There were others lab techs-- other Dr.s so many in my journey who truly were worried for me-- and cared about how I was doing.. some shared tears with me... or crack a joke to get my mind off of things.
The nursing home stays -- the stay in Tyler-- everyone rallied around me to make me feel cared for .. They too held my hand on rough days--
Marshall-- between the staff and therapy-- they too made me feel cared about ...
I believe all of that helped in my getting through a really rough time. I missed my life- my husband-my kids everything about who I was ...so many tears were shed last year.... There is no way to thank all of those people -- but I think about them and hold them close ... I hope they all realized what their empathy meant .
Friday, June 21, 2019
Last year at this time I was in so much pain-- no weight bearing. Bruce had to help with many of my personal cares. I am so grateful to be on this side of things.
My mind wanders to certain moments some of them are just little blips of time others are longer .
I was thinking today about the long needle they would use to stick into my knee joint to draw fluid out to test to see if the infection was still there. I was told by a Dr that beings most of our fluid in our knee is at the back of the knee it is hard to withdraw fluid.. It would hurt so bad when they would go drilling for fluid (ok not drilling but that is what it felt like ).
That was truly the most painful of needle things I had to endure during the whole time.
Next I think the worse surgery was when metal screws were put in my leg to secure the metal fixater - it was this bar the basically kept the gap where my knee was to keep it open until surgery.. I hurt so bad coming to after that surgery. I remember hugging my mom crying how bad it hurt ... once they had me settled and everyone went home .. the pain meds that they had given me wore off - I had my light on for just a few moments the nurse come in I was in tears --- usually I have great pain tolerance-- she was so nice she quickly left the room and promptly brought me something fast acting and then something longer term.. I wore that thing for a long time.. after the pain was under control-- wearing it wasn't really an issue.. it was alittle weird thinking that those screws were in my bone.
I still have one of those spots that has scar tissue in it were it puffs of -- and I massage it to break things up.
Having a PIC line put in was not all that big of a deal the first one they inserted while I was in surgery- the second I was awake -- my attitude was OH Heck you better knock me out.. but it truly wasn't a problem you don't really feel anything ,, and of the two or I had placed everyone was so supportive and comforting .
The antibiotics on the other hand were really harsh on my tummy and I could hardly eat -- I lived on tums- liquid antacids and anti diarrhea meds. it was the only way I survived .
It is funny how little things come back some days I might be grumbling about my pain in my hips-- then I get a flashback on oh yeah.... last year at this time I wasn't sure I was going to walk again.
My mind wanders to certain moments some of them are just little blips of time others are longer .
I was thinking today about the long needle they would use to stick into my knee joint to draw fluid out to test to see if the infection was still there. I was told by a Dr that beings most of our fluid in our knee is at the back of the knee it is hard to withdraw fluid.. It would hurt so bad when they would go drilling for fluid (ok not drilling but that is what it felt like ).
That was truly the most painful of needle things I had to endure during the whole time.
Next I think the worse surgery was when metal screws were put in my leg to secure the metal fixater - it was this bar the basically kept the gap where my knee was to keep it open until surgery.. I hurt so bad coming to after that surgery. I remember hugging my mom crying how bad it hurt ... once they had me settled and everyone went home .. the pain meds that they had given me wore off - I had my light on for just a few moments the nurse come in I was in tears --- usually I have great pain tolerance-- she was so nice she quickly left the room and promptly brought me something fast acting and then something longer term.. I wore that thing for a long time.. after the pain was under control-- wearing it wasn't really an issue.. it was alittle weird thinking that those screws were in my bone.
I still have one of those spots that has scar tissue in it were it puffs of -- and I massage it to break things up.
Having a PIC line put in was not all that big of a deal the first one they inserted while I was in surgery- the second I was awake -- my attitude was OH Heck you better knock me out.. but it truly wasn't a problem you don't really feel anything ,, and of the two or I had placed everyone was so supportive and comforting .
The antibiotics on the other hand were really harsh on my tummy and I could hardly eat -- I lived on tums- liquid antacids and anti diarrhea meds. it was the only way I survived .
It is funny how little things come back some days I might be grumbling about my pain in my hips-- then I get a flashback on oh yeah.... last year at this time I wasn't sure I was going to walk again.
Sunday, November 4, 2018
I hear the sound of you breathing
Comfort of your presence
Safety in the still of the night
When life overwhelms me
Your arms always are there
As I listen to your heartbeat
Lulls me to a state of peace
Honor in your eyes comfort me
Strength in your arms surround me
Listening to you in the stillness of the night
I hear my soulmate-my best friend
D.Marr
Friday, November 2, 2018
Eyes
Eyes look into a mirror
What is their story
What have they seen
There is a story
One that is unique
Owned only by them
Memories buried deep
Some of years gone by
Days of younger times
Some memories of regret
Some of happy times
There has been celebrations
Others of deep loss
Wednesday, October 31, 2018
The day my world stopped moving
SIt has been a long long rough road, February 20th what started as a normal day ended up with me in the ER. My artificial knee joint was infected - they were just two years old and had never given me any issues. We tried treating it with oral meds at home when they didn't work I was admitted and put on IV antibiotics.
When I found out just how sick I was I was scared praying to God that my family would be ok. That this wouldn't taint my son's senior year- my daughter would be ok during the rest of school year.
Many thoughts raced through my head that night. I worried about my husband and all the things that come with me being gone.
My job what would happen to that .--the kids I was helping what would happen with the disruption of me being gone.
There were so many nurses that were so great comforting me -- there was so many of them that were there to help me through things.
This was such a turning point for me I was the one being cared for-- I only knew how to be the caretaker. I had to get used to IV pumps running and beeping- nursing staff in and out of my room.
So many days and nights blending in...I was scared-lonely--worried.
When I found out just how sick I was I was scared praying to God that my family would be ok. That this wouldn't taint my son's senior year- my daughter would be ok during the rest of school year.
Many thoughts raced through my head that night. I worried about my husband and all the things that come with me being gone.
My job what would happen to that .--the kids I was helping what would happen with the disruption of me being gone.
There were so many nurses that were so great comforting me -- there was so many of them that were there to help me through things.
This was such a turning point for me I was the one being cared for-- I only knew how to be the caretaker. I had to get used to IV pumps running and beeping- nursing staff in and out of my room.
So many days and nights blending in...I was scared-lonely--worried.
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