Brrr it was cold

 The other night the furnance quit working, The house got down to 60 and it was cold we got the furnance to run for awhile but it went out again. Sixtey degrees when you are outside seems chilly but inside it was miserable. Even snuggled under the covers the cold went through you. 

All I could think was how do those sleeping in the streets manage to survive - I was inside the comfort of my home -no wind to bother us. I could make something hot to drink or borrow a space heater . The cold was inconvienent and miserable but I knew it would be short lived. Eventually the repairman would get it running again. 

I truly can not imagine what those poor souls who make wind blocks with cardboard or newspaper survive. They know there is no short term of in a few hours the repairman will be here . No shelter or hot beverage to help avoid the bone chilling temps. 

My heart breaks for them who don't know where their shelter is or when the next hot meal will  come. It truly makes light of some of my daily concerns.

Which path

 I am been reading a meditation book at the moment..It is geared to mom's and realizing our importance.Even if our job is behind the scenes and we think no one notices in the long run it matters . Our spouses find comfort in the things we do our children are filing away all the memories we are making.  At some point in their life they will be reminded on how mom made this or how they always had fresh baked cookie smell in the house.

We should embrace our roles and do them to our best abilities, Embrace the life God has given you and just in faith. I will be honest I struggle with that blind faith trust statement. I try to let it go and just plow forward. I am a stubborn one and even though I tell myself it is in God's hands. I still attempt to micromanage things which rarely helps . 

Another book I am reading from is about realizing your purpose and focus on the path laid out infront of you. It talks about life events happen- job losses- illnesses -becoming disabled. We aren't suppose to look back and mourn the change but look forward and take on the challenge. It is easy to take the safe way out but to achieve true happiness we are to see the path God gave us and forage through it. 

When my knee joint went septic 4 yrs ago I fought like crazy to get my old life back. I was so scared and sad while I had to be laid up for 9 months fighting off infections. I refused to think about what if I wouldn't go back to work again. Once we decided to have the knee joint fused and knew I had to learn a new way to walk. I still fought to get back to my job.. I cried and went into  saddness until I was able to return to work

I loved being back at work-although it took a huge toll on my body-I was tired and sore and truly just done for the day. Not much fun for my family all my energy was spent.

I started to have some back pain and even my boss had asked if things were getting too tough for me. Even then I was adminant that I was able to work refusing to listen to what my back was saying .

 Then I got COVID which kicked my butt --my body wasn't coming back the fight in me was gone. I was devastated knowing I had to step back from a job I loved .

Know a new path is laid ahead of me...I want to build my craft business --I want to write both things that are scary and unknown. The path ahead of me which I believe is God telling me it is time to make that change. But the scared part of me keeps looking back and wondering could I return to my school job using the wheelchair and my walker would my back and good leg allow that . That would be the easy way which I am sure to get worn out from and once I returned home would have to sit out on my families life. 

But the thought of starting a business -something big enough to help support us and maybe open some new doors that is scary.

I am so a creature of habit and it is so hard to trust in the steps of the new path.. We never know what the future holds but I guess if I don't try I will never know ..

Today

 It was a tough day today, not because of anything or anyone. I started it fairly upbeat sent my daughter off to school. Scrolled Facebook while I drank my coffee. Decided to break out the sewing machine and make pillows for my parents. That all went smoothly until the back spasms kicked in, I took my Tylenol kept going ..I laid out material for my next project  I wanted to a new bear pattern.. I struggled with a few simple things. After taking it apart a few times I gave up. 

I sat back and questioned if I really was able to make this a business ,was I good enough. I mad at myself and frustrated with the whole thing .. I finally threw away the cut out pieces and decided I will try again tomorrow - fresh. Packed all my sewing things away.. 

Since becoming disabled and the pain I have played with could I go back to the school-I loved that job. I remember when I got the fused leg - I was determined to get back to work. I look at would I be able to use my wheelchair and navigate well enough. Would I be able to actually do my job. I miss it ,the sense of community I felt there

But I love being here with my family and I know we will always have those days in life.. Today was mine lots of self doubt and self put downs.. 

Here is to tomorrow a brand new day

My ramblings

 Well, it has been a while, thoughts blur and I have a tough time getting them to stop long enough to get them typed out. 

So I am going to type up the best I can tonight - try to get back into getting my thoughts from my head to print. 

I upgraded to a new walker this one the seat is higher so I can sit on it and get back up again.. The other one was too low. Looking at it I have mixed feelings I feel like screams at me how unstable my steps are and with all my back pain I need the extra for support. 

After the MRSA infection and being septic my outlook at the fused knee was I was so grateful for my life and it didn't matter that I would walk with a limp and no longer able to bend my knee. I embraced the fact I was still with my family and able to work at the job I loved. I was able to for a long time after that  until I got sick with COVID and alot changed.

The fused knee threw my gait off which in turn caused curvature in my spine.. I have arthritis in my hips. daily I hurt somedays I can't stand, and walking is really hard. I am in the process of working with the Dr;s to find the best way to deal with it .. 

I have been having some swelling and pain in my knee I got last fall Dr;s are keeping an eye on it increased my antibiotics incase an infection is brewing .

Some day's I struggle with being ok with my life.. I want to be working help lighten the financial stress- but I know I can't - I believe that being that close to death twice in such a short time means something and I keep wondering what - what lesson was I to learn- The whole what purpose in life is mine .

It is a struggle to feel as though you are enough .

Time

 Time is a thief 

It tricks you into thinking you have plenty of it

One gets complacent and then suddenly it is gone

You are left with thoughts and often regrets

Memories play through your mind 

Disbelief there won’t be more to make

Wishes you had used your time more wisely

Often we learn to late to use time wisely

In school as kids we were to that so often

But we just think time is in abundance.

Now we are left with thoughts of 

Did you read my last email or text ?

Did they know I loved them?

We forget we all have an expiration date 

One that no one knows the end.

We need to remember what we were taught

Use our time wisely 

Late night thoughts

 Last night as I was working on falling asleep I was listening to the dogs snoring. My thoughts drifted to all the dogs in my life through the years. There hasn’t been a time except for a couple years that I have not had a dog in my life. 

When we were first married we had a Samoyed mix- Sasha she was a great dog and we took her out walking everywhere. We used to go to Camden State Park often when I would go with Bruce. We took her on so many trails she loved it. 

Typically we did Camden as an outing with the three of us . One day I was off from work so for a treat we got up headed out there about 8 AM just her and I. It was an early spring day there still snow on the ground that had melted some 

The air still had a bite to it,the walking trails were either too muddy to walk or still melting snow blocking them. So we stayed on the paved road and started our walk. Her tail was happily wagging away her nose taking in all the smells. I was listening to the birds singing the breeze had a kiss of warmer weather to come.

Behind me I heard a big rustle in the trees and when I looked around there was a huge herd of deer running towards us. I never really figured out what spooked them to have them towards us. 

They were so close I could see the bits of snow on their eyelashes- they stopped for a bit to look at the lone person and a dog. Then they circled us, melted  snow and mud spattered on my face . We just stood there as they ran past us up into the trees. Sasha just stood there she didn’t make a sound.Her eyes were on them and her ears were up. I often wondered why she never reacted and what made them pay us no mind. 

It is one of those moments that will forever stand out in my mind . I loved taking the dogs out there and hike trails , Something I can’t do anymore -I can walk on paved trails but those big hikes are out now.

My Infertility

 Infertility is a very raw and lonely world.I still remember the endless tears and the nights bargaining with God to let me be a mom. I always felt like I didn’t fit in anywhere . Some people were kind about it but there were so many cruel things said. I don’t know if they realized how cruel they were being .I often felt that I wasn’t good enough not woman enough.

Polycystic ovary syndrome is a word that the Doctor  used to tell  me what was wrong with me and that infertility was pretty much a given. I was given some pamphlets to read. We didn’t have Google at the time . Support groups were not  really all that  common in the area I lived in.We were told we could try fertility meds The doctor seemed hopeful and encouraged that this could be overcome. 

All I knew was that I wanted to be a mom more than anything . My plan was to follow my mother’s footsteps, get married ,have a few kids and raise them. After I met my husband I saw the future of little people.   

We decided to go ahead and do the work up to see what we could do to try and start our family.There was a big blood work up ,ultrasounds and other tests run to see what might be the cause of things . During one of the exams the Dr had stated he thought there was evidence that I had at one time perhaps miscarried but it had to be very early in the pregnancy. 

I have never really known what to say about that . They only briefly spoke of it . I remember thinking well if I had gotten pregnant once, maybe another time . That never happened again and it just got lumped into the sadness and loss I felt dealing with infertility.

 I had a laparoscopy procedure to look at the reproductive anatomy . I had endometriosis that was burnt off  with that cleared up. We then moved on to attempting fertility drugs.  

We did 2 rounds of Clomid. They were expensive meds and my hormones were all over the place . I would  go from angry to sad and then depressed . One had to plan out intimacy to get the best outcome. It would be hard to plan sex around being angry and emotional. The hormones were rough .

 I remember picking up a cookie jar and throwing it across the room .The reason behind that I am unsure. At the time I belief I was upset over something at Bruce and 

All really hard words to hear - words that took the wind out of us. My world shifted at those words- we tried a few rounds of fertility drugs. Nothing made a difference except while the meds didn’t make a difference fertility wise but the hormone levels raging through made things tough. 

Aside from all the medical part of infertility the mental part was the roughest . 

There were a range of comments made to me  while some were poor jokes, some  were just cruel comments - One friend offered to sleep with my husband and carry a baby for us… one was if she was infertile she would have to kill herself. There were few comments of how I should divorce my husband so he can find himself a fertile girl.

 

Then there were friends and family having babies and you are truly happy for them but on the inside sobbing because it wasn’t you. 

I remember the feeling as if you were enough and just what would my future hold  my husband never faltered. He was always by my side and wore a straight face. All will be good . He proclaimed many times he wasn’t leaving and we would be ok. I really struggled with that thought about what ok would look like. 

I would have days I would have it together and felt like together he and I would be ok. Then there were days when something triggered those feelings to bubble up to the surface and I would feel the whole wound open up again.

Those emotions would bleed all over us. The tears and shame and self hate would be right there staring at me. I struggled to believe he truly was ok with whatever our altered life was now. That feeling of you being lacking or not enough are some horrible emotions that once they get into your mind they suffocate your soul.

I wasn’t happy with myself so why was he content. I remember praying and  bargaining witTh God. I even asked one night  for God to take me so he could move on and find someone that would make him happy and give him kids.

The depression was dark and distorted for a while. I just wanted to raise a family.

Finally I worked those things through my mind and came to terms with it and decided I would be the best friend to him I could be . 

At that time I don't know if it was because I was too young and shy to really reach out and talk to someone about all of it . The whole journey was tough, there was pain like I can never express and guilt and sadness.

We did hit a stage where we agreed to try to move forward and heal. The void was always there ,the emptiness of it just the two of us . About the time we thought parenthood was behind us we decided to look into Special Needs Adoption through the county. That healed so many wounds we didn’t even know that they were still open.