Update and not what I wanted to hear ....

 Yesterday -what I thought was going to be a solution to a Baker's cyst ended up being words I never wanted to hear again... The fear my artificial knee was infected -we ran blood work and it shows that I am anemic and my inflammation markers are elevated matching some of the numbers I had almost 3 yrs ago.

My next step will be to have them aspirate fluid from my knee-if that cultures positive the treatment would be surgery to remove joint they wash it out and place in a spacer with antibiotics in it and that would be aprox 6 wks -- no weight bearing then if we can get cultures and blood work to show infection has cleared we then would put in a new knee.... if that fails-- the alternative could be to loose the lower leg--and possible artificial leg. 

So far the daily antibiotic is holding off big infections but something is brewing in my system somewhere.

If we get clearance that the knee isn't the problem-we are looking at the back

Within the next week there are several tests being run and I am monitoring from home .. I have been told if I feel any worse I need to be seen asap

Since those words were said my head has been swimming -- I have a flashback of all the time I spent away from my family when I went through my leg infection-- I hate the fact I could cause disruption again for my family.

Of course all the what if's hit and worse case situations -- If I loose my leg what does life look like then

My surgeon called me a Survivor -- I want to pull from that and try to be positive . I am struggling .... I hate being that person who is always dealing with something ..

Infertility and Adoption

 I was looking at the kid's photo albums- time has flown since they were babies-toddlers -elementary kids.

I am so grateful adoption was an option for us. When I was a young girl I always planned on meeting a great guy and raising a family. I met the great guy and was not prepared for being told I was more then likely not going to get pregnant. We attempted treatments that were costly but nothing we tried worked. With treatments being costly we chose to stop after several heart breaking moments .

We had decided we would just try to be the best partners to each other as we can be. Lean on each other to walk through the heart break and support each other . We embraced being a childless couple the best we could but that didn't keep painful moments from creeping in .

At first people would joke - Are you doing it right? I had a girlfriend who offered to sleep with Bruce to carry a baby for us. Another friend told me it was no big deal and having kids were over rated . Someone suggested I divorce Bruce so he could find a fertile woman. Another friend told me she would have to kill herself if she were in my shoes. All those comments cut deep and really hard to work through.

I remember seeing other families and the emptiness I felt wishing that was us.. Even though Bruce and I committed to we would just accept this was our life . We had a good relationship and  we had happy moments . 

I have always struggled with that negative voice in my head that I was not enough. That voice got really loud during the infertility road. I measured myself to all the women out there who had their own babies. I was really hard on myself and struggled. 

After sometime I came to terms and accepted it  I was happy. One day a co-worker told me how she was adopted through the county. The idea of how much we made or could afford wasn't the number one focal point. There were other factors someone looked at - were we able to love and nurture a child ,advocate for a child. 

Once we were approved to adopt it was the most top of the world feeling I ever felt .Do those negative voices still talk? Yes they do but I am living the life I always hoped for just a different path. So on days I look at the photo albums or memories of the kids little days I remind myself while I miss those the younger days I am so blessed to have been given the gift of being a parent.

Distance Learning

 I know distance learning is a topic that has many emotions for many people. I know it takes a lot of dedication . For Middle school and High school kids that is tough. Many parents battle that routine of their own jobs and then their kids in school. I know their are tons of concerns of socialization and just what kids are lacking ..

With that said for our family it works our daughter having an Immune Deficiency there is no real data on how COVID would affect her body's immune system. My husband and his heart failure the less exposure the better off he is. 

After getting sick with COVID I have been home and helping my daughter with her distance learning . It has been interesting to see the skills she has and being part of helping her through out her day. I am grateful for that option and being a part of it for her. 

As a parent there are somethings we miss out on having our kids in school --in a nonpandemic setting she would be back in the building . I know not everyone had that option but I am glad we have that .

Camping

 Before kids it was Bruce and I and our 2 fur kids a cat Smokey and our dog Sasha. Sasha went on many journeys with us. One thing she loved to do was go camping with us.. She would lay by the campfire at night and let out huge doggie sighs of contentment. 

We started with a tent which I was fine with during the day but it wasn't comfortable sleeping - although Bruce never complained. Then we bought a pick up and put  a topper on it. It wasn't a fancy truck but Bruce loved that truck. In the topper we had a make shift bed at the time it was the best . Us and our dog camping in the back of the pick up. It was an upgrade then sleeping on the ground but if you didn't shut the door mosquitos would eat you alive.. and in the heat of the day it was hot. 

It was a simple time in our life but so many great memories. We camp with kids a few tenting experiences and our camper.. 

Now it is 3 dogs -kids and us..  

Valentines Day

  Bruce and I have shared many Valentines Days--some have been gifts of flowers and jewelry, Other years it was going out to a nice supper and maybe a movie. We would switch it up though and they might be my favorite memories . We used to first go the the grocery store and purchase the fixings for a nice meal.. Then we would put it away grab our dog and head out to Camden( the local state park) we would hike through the park. Our faithful dog bounding ahead of us occasionally we would spook up a few deer who looked to see us . We hiked through some snowbanks  for hours  talking ,snapping pictures and laughing .  

Eventually we would end our hike tired and cold but fulfilled.  Then we would load up back into the truck and head home .Then Bruce grilled the meat I would take care of the indoor part of our meal. Whatever sides that needed to be prepared - setting the table 

A few years the snow banks were so high  by our back door higher then the house. We would store our bottle of wine in the banks -- joked it was our wine cooler.. 

They were simple  moments but special to us.                    

 While I was in ICU with fighting COVID I was miserable slipping in and out of sleep. There was one point when I remember being in a dreamlike state. I remember crying and something was gripping my fingers ... I could feel the nail like claws pulling on me --I was crying out ... and suddenly a calm voice firmly said Let Her GO.!

In theory I suppose you could say the medicine finally took hold and was fighting off the virus.

I believe my guardian Angel was watching over me. It wasn't my time- while I  am concerned about whatever the Cardiologist will find. I believe we will get through it ... 

I get frustrated with not feeling 100% and taking baby steps but I am grateful-- I am here and I am able to still be part of my families life.

I hate the social distancing as much as anyone else- but I respect it . I know first hand what COVID can do-- I know some people do really well recovering but there is a percentage who don't handle this virus well at all.

Saturday Baking

 As I was in my kitchen baking a things for my family my thoughts wander to my childhood. Every Saturday I would be at my Grandma's spending it helping cleaning and baking. If I wasn't there I was at home with my mom who also spent a part of Saturday baking .Mom's homemade chocolate chips cookies have been a part of our lives for as long as I remember. 

It hits me at moments like that how precious  those little moments are. I go back to October when I was fighting off COVID . The dedication all the healthcare people showed me while I was fighting the virus was tremendous . Their commitment to be there by my side  is what allows me to be here to help be with my family- to be able to make baked goods- take care of them. It is such a powerful feeling to know while I was so sick and people so dedicated - there we so many the one person who sticks out was the Respiratory therapists who never left my side I don't remember his name . I wasn't able to wear my glasses so many were a fog . This guy worked so hard to get lungs to respond the way he wanted . He would check and recheck my Bi Pap face mask.. He tried different masks and setting and tried different meds- what ever he could to get the lungs to open. Things failed though he stayed in my room talked me through things. told me while I was holding my own -he would have to send me to ICU due to I wasn't responding enough. He stayed with until he handed me over to ICU.

It was lonely while I was there as far as not seeing family but the staff made sure to be as supportive as they could be. 

It makes things like baking for the family a gift from those who fought to keep me alive. 

I get to pass on the tradition of baked goods on a  Saturday for my family..