Guardian Angel

 Her guardian angel weeps for  all she can do is stay near

Tonight he is vile; her angel is shedding the tears she can’t 

No longer has the will to fight;letting him shame her to submission

Her  angle look up at God and says how much more of this

Silently she folds her wings around the abused.

The angel looks into the eyes and sees the emptiness there.

At one time this was a happy vibrant one who laughs at the stars 

Danced with the breeze-but now that is gone

Her angel keeps her watch but her pleas fall short

But at night when her tears fall and her sobs can be heard

She is wrapped in the soft loving wings and comforted 

We are never truly alone

Death of Scarredback

 Warrior’s bloodied sword

Lunging still straight ahead

Slicing the flesh down to the bone

Spilling the rancid blood to the ground

The green grass withers up at the touch

The air is rank with smell of evil

Each thrust ridding the land

Of another vile animal

We raise up our fists in celebration 

To the fall of this evil villian

It is a dance of victory and praise,

Tonight the monster lies in his own blood 

The night in his posts battle voice 

Assures the land -tonight you sleep;

The monster Scarredback no longer 

Roams the land

My COVID Story

 I tried to recap in my mind the time around my having COVID. I can’t really express how it all felt but this is my attempt.I was so sick and out of it that I didn’t care what they did to me in the hospital. I remember them being so dedicated to me. The respiratory department didn’t leave me alone . Someone was always in my room encouraging and monitoring my situation. 

I remember being talked to about making certain choices before that freedom was taken from me. There was a really nice young man taking care of me and he squeezed my arm and said you are holding your own yet .

Shortly after that statement I was admitted to ICU- the staff called Bruce and I was declared unable to make my own choices. They were preparing me to be put on a ventilator. I agreed to 2 trial meds and they had started them. I believe those are what turned the course for me. 

Thoughts about my family would drift through me would the last memory for my husband and daughter be of leaving me off at the ER department. My son wasn’t home when I left. What if that would haunt him not seeing me before I left.

Covid 19 in the beginning it seemed unreal to me that we would be heading into a Pandemic. I remember when we started to talk with the school kids about it. As  staff we tried to walk that fine line of explaining to them what things might look like  but we didn’t want to overload them and cause anxiety.

Also attempting to teach them the importance of not only protecting themselves but also those around them who might be more susceptible to the virus.

None of us knew what the future held  as far as teaching the kids -we talked with them about what distance learning could look like. While none of us knew what that even looked like. The Governor announced we would be doing distance learning  leaving us to complete the remaining  school year at home.

Summertime we stayed home  and if we left the house we wore masks . It was a really different life but we did what we had to do to stay safe. The following school year we started the school year switched to partial kids in school and some online for distance learning ,rotating days between home and online.

My morning routine with the Para’s was to take temperatures of the students and screen them for any Covid symptoms and follow protocol set up if someone  showed any signs of illness.Through the month of September things went fairly smooth, Everything had fallen into a routine and seemed like Covid had not affected me personally yet.

I really was more concerned about my parents or my husband and daughter getting Covid than myself. Little did I know who things would take a turn soon. 

Then at the end of September there had been a few students who had been exposed and quarantined. They either had symptoms of Covid or  had been exposed to someone with Covid. On Friday October 1st 2020 I had gone to a rummage sale in town- I rarely had gone anywhere trying to limit as much chance as I could to exposures. Saturday the 2nd I felt like I had allergy symptoms which I blamed on all the dusty things at the rummage sale and it also was fall time. Through the weekend I never felt worse  so I blamed it on allergy/asthma symptoms. I went to work on  Monday -Tuesday feeling stuffy  but felt like much like allergies.

Tuesday night October 6th I ran my first temp of 101. I called into work and went to the Dr. 

I took  COVID test and was told to isolate and wait .I reported to work what the Dr told me . Between Wednesday -Friday I ran nightly temps one night I hit 104  and I had chills like I had never before experienced .  I was having dizzy spells and weakness. Simple tasks were causing me extreme fatigue and exhaustion .

On Friday the clinic called and stated my Covid test was negative but if I didn't’ improve I should call back. I was really feeling weak and miserable. This was an illness I had never felt before. I had started to get dizzy walking short distances . I noticed the feeling as if my oxygen was cute off there was no wheezing but just like someone had squeezed my neck . That should have been a big sign I guess but I was so weak and I guess my mind just wasn’t thinking as clearly as it should have.

Saturday was Liza’s birthday. I so much wanted to make her day special. She had been home doing distance learning since the school year started. Bruce had gotten her some fancy cupcakes and I attempted to eat one with her but I remember feeling so awful that I couldn’t enjoy it .

This is when the illness was starting to take a stronger hold on me .My sister now tells me I wasn’t making much sense. I sounded awful on the phone and my thought process was altered. It took her some pushing to get me to get help. They both after I got better stated it was frustrating in my clear head I would have known better. I would have pushed someone to go to ER NOW. if someone had told me that was how they were feeling.

Something told me in the back of my head to check my 02 level. I was at a 78% which 90 % and higher is good .I knew I felt off but it wasn’t until much later I understood how slowed up my thought process was . I messaged my sister who I spoke  to alot throughout the day. She asked me if I was going to the Dr or what my plan was. 

I spoke to the ER nurse and she had me recheck the battery on my oximeter to rule out a low battery giving such a low reading . I did and  I was just reading that low. I knew Bruce wasn’t feeling the best so I was concerned about leaving him . 

Bruce and Liza brought me to the ER. Due to regulations  they had to leave me in the parking lot.  I went in with the nurse I felt awful and scared .. My 02 levels dropped to the low 70’s . They ordered a new Covid test which would come back positive .I had a scan of my chest which showed pneumonia. 

During this time I was texting my sister -she talked with me to give her my log in informations for my Clinic portal so if something like me going on a ventilator and unable to speak someone could read the test results and documentation of how I was doing . 

I was started on an IV and given some steroids and antibiotics in the Tyler Er. The plan was to wait for the results of Covid test if was positive I would be transferred to Sioux Falls if negative I would be admitted locally and treated for pneumonia .

Once we got the news about the results things moved fairly quick and I was on my way to Sioux Falls by ambulance. I texted  my sister and asked to call Bruce and my other sister and our parents. 

I was so uncomfortable no matter how much oxygen forced into me lungs I just couldn’t get it in. There was no position I could get into to be at ease. I spoke abit with my husband on the way but it was so hard to breath and talk I couldn't talk. 

I treated my cellphone as a life line. I didn’t let it go. I would text small bits  to my sister - I made her the point person she would share what she could.I texted a couple of coworkers to give them a heads up on my being positive for covid and being transferred to Sioux Falls .

I remember having thoughts about dying and questions about would I see my family again? Just breathing was effort and it started to become too hard to think.  

A friend of ours had died that same week but not from Covid I kept thinking about him on my ride.Thinking about his last thoughts and wondered if that was my ending too. 

I thought about Bruce. He hadn't felt great that weekend either if I said much to health professionals it was my worry about him and the kids. I kept being reminded by them that I need to focus and fight for my health so I could go home to them .I even emailed our clinic to have them check up on him. 

Once I got to the hospital some things were a blur I know when I was transferred from the ambulance into the hospital I was double masked and there were 2 room transfers that I was double masked and a blanket over my head.

The staff at the hospital were so good to me, I could see the concern but everyone did all they could to keep me alive..My first night there was rough and my oxygen levels were really low . The respiratory therapist stayed really close to me - he changed different tubings to try and get air into me .

I was told I had pneumonia due to Covid and basically all the air sacs were fille  and air isn’t allowed in. They talked with me about the trial medicines and I agreed shortly that I needed too. Praying that they would help and not cause me harm.

I wore a face mask pretty much the whole time so talking to me was out  and seeing was out I wasn’t able to wear my glasses . I sent texts to my sisters - some did not make sense. It took so much effort to type up any form of a sentence. 

On the day I upgraded from wearing masks to nasal tubing I could call family. I called my husband remembering my voice sounding so weak. It sounded frail and unlike my voice. I called my mom. I can still hear the sense of relief in her voice. My sisters both had tears in their voices. I think we all had pretty much had it in the back of our minds I was lucky to be talking to them

The discharging Dr told me it was nearly unheard of to be discharged from ICU and sent home in a week. I had beaten  some really steep odds and was encouraged to take things slow to heal .

Coming home  there were so many emotions, I was concerned about my family. Bruce hadn’t been feeling the greatest either and I didn’t have the strength to take care of him. Luckily we had friends who delivered food to us and checked in. They have no idea how much of a life saver that was for us .

I was discharged with a team who would monitor me and check in with me to see how I was recovering. There are still lingering effects of COVID but I am lucky.

Beside my family- my other family my job weighed heavy on my mind. I had asked to come back but from home and only for a few hours a day for a while. I was stressed. I really felt wiped out and worried about my group of kids I was helping. We were nearing the end of the quarter and I had a few who were struggling . Virtually it is harder to help with assignments and actually get things handed in. 

I felt so helpless I was full of concern for my family,my students and I was coping with the mentaly impact of almost dying . Don’t get me wrong I am very grateful I survived but it is the aftershock of the what ifs . 

We had popped in on my parents about Thanksgiving time. All masked up and standing on the front deck. Trying to use as much distancing as we could. My dad was choked up seeing me and kept saying we are damn lucky you are here. Those emotions were so strong only stated in simple words but I agreed completely.

Next month is my one year mark- I have lots of feelings about it . We as a society are still dealing with COVID. It scares me and it is always in my mind about precautions and just what is safe for us.

As of now I still struggle with some Long Hauler issues. My racing heart beat is treated with medicine. My brain fog has improved but it is still very much there. I will be talking and suddenly the word I want is gone and I have to ask the person I am talking to to help me fill in the blanks.

Even recapping this doesn’t really hit the fear I felt and all other emotions I had due this. While some have gotten COVID and really didn’t suffer much,that is great for them.But for those who did and survived it was an illness I had never had before . It truly was just try to take over .

My mind is swirling --with what if's and flashbacks

 I have been touched by the many supportive messages I have been getting . While the blood work all points to an infection... we need the culture that will be done on Monday to prove there is one. 

But my knee hurts and something is going on.... I am trying to keep faith- be positive and trust in my Dr. 

I didn't deal well emotionally for the 8 months I fought off the last infection...and not being able to walk. The many stays in the hospital and nursing home..all of it was a really tough time. 

I think about the what if this and what will our future look like.

People ask me what I need right now -- I don't know I am a little numb... if I end up no weight bearing there is lots of things like yard and house things that will be needed but we always seem to manage ...

Thank you for your support.... I appreciate it

Update and not what I wanted to hear ....

 Yesterday -what I thought was going to be a solution to a Baker's cyst ended up being words I never wanted to hear again... The fear my artificial knee was infected -we ran blood work and it shows that I am anemic and my inflammation markers are elevated matching some of the numbers I had almost 3 yrs ago.

My next step will be to have them aspirate fluid from my knee-if that cultures positive the treatment would be surgery to remove joint they wash it out and place in a spacer with antibiotics in it and that would be aprox 6 wks -- no weight bearing then if we can get cultures and blood work to show infection has cleared we then would put in a new knee.... if that fails-- the alternative could be to loose the lower leg--and possible artificial leg. 

So far the daily antibiotic is holding off big infections but something is brewing in my system somewhere.

If we get clearance that the knee isn't the problem-we are looking at the back

Within the next week there are several tests being run and I am monitoring from home .. I have been told if I feel any worse I need to be seen asap

Since those words were said my head has been swimming -- I have a flashback of all the time I spent away from my family when I went through my leg infection-- I hate the fact I could cause disruption again for my family.

Of course all the what if's hit and worse case situations -- If I loose my leg what does life look like then

My surgeon called me a Survivor -- I want to pull from that and try to be positive . I am struggling .... I hate being that person who is always dealing with something ..

Infertility and Adoption

 I was looking at the kid's photo albums- time has flown since they were babies-toddlers -elementary kids.

I am so grateful adoption was an option for us. When I was a young girl I always planned on meeting a great guy and raising a family. I met the great guy and was not prepared for being told I was more then likely not going to get pregnant. We attempted treatments that were costly but nothing we tried worked. With treatments being costly we chose to stop after several heart breaking moments .

We had decided we would just try to be the best partners to each other as we can be. Lean on each other to walk through the heart break and support each other . We embraced being a childless couple the best we could but that didn't keep painful moments from creeping in .

At first people would joke - Are you doing it right? I had a girlfriend who offered to sleep with Bruce to carry a baby for us. Another friend told me it was no big deal and having kids were over rated . Someone suggested I divorce Bruce so he could find a fertile woman. Another friend told me she would have to kill herself if she were in my shoes. All those comments cut deep and really hard to work through.

I remember seeing other families and the emptiness I felt wishing that was us.. Even though Bruce and I committed to we would just accept this was our life . We had a good relationship and  we had happy moments . 

I have always struggled with that negative voice in my head that I was not enough. That voice got really loud during the infertility road. I measured myself to all the women out there who had their own babies. I was really hard on myself and struggled. 

After sometime I came to terms and accepted it  I was happy. One day a co-worker told me how she was adopted through the county. The idea of how much we made or could afford wasn't the number one focal point. There were other factors someone looked at - were we able to love and nurture a child ,advocate for a child. 

Once we were approved to adopt it was the most top of the world feeling I ever felt .Do those negative voices still talk? Yes they do but I am living the life I always hoped for just a different path. So on days I look at the photo albums or memories of the kids little days I remind myself while I miss those the younger days I am so blessed to have been given the gift of being a parent.

Distance Learning

 I know distance learning is a topic that has many emotions for many people. I know it takes a lot of dedication . For Middle school and High school kids that is tough. Many parents battle that routine of their own jobs and then their kids in school. I know their are tons of concerns of socialization and just what kids are lacking ..

With that said for our family it works our daughter having an Immune Deficiency there is no real data on how COVID would affect her body's immune system. My husband and his heart failure the less exposure the better off he is. 

After getting sick with COVID I have been home and helping my daughter with her distance learning . It has been interesting to see the skills she has and being part of helping her through out her day. I am grateful for that option and being a part of it for her. 

As a parent there are somethings we miss out on having our kids in school --in a nonpandemic setting she would be back in the building . I know not everyone had that option but I am glad we have that .