Flowers and memories

One of my fondest memories is the flowers that grew in my grandparents yard and my parents yard. I always remember when my grandma and grandpa Pedersen would come visit or we visit there a walk around the yard was due to look at the flowers blooming in the gardens. My mom always has had plant growing whether it  was in the yard or in the house.

When I moved out she passed on a few plants and once I had a yard of my own a few flowers were transferred to me. I gave her some my yard also  it has always just been a normal in my life.
Tonight I transplanted 2 plants from my parents yard- one was a rose bush that started in my one sister's yard. I placed that rose bush next to the one I transplanted a few weeks ago that originally came from my Grandparents on the Kuehl side.

My yard holds memories for me and pieces of people who were important to me and that I love now grow in my yard. They are more then plants they hold a meaning to me something that might seem odd to others. The memories of childhood times or memories of grandparents- time spent with my parents . I often wonder if my kids will look at the things I have and what will they see. Will the memories stop with me ? Or will they look at them and think of how much they meant to me and have their memories of me ?

The flowers are so colorful this year and seem to tall --we have had plenty of rain to help them grow. So vibrant and makes one think while we have had more then enough rain--some beautiful comes from it ..
Much like the memories wrapped in my heart - a garden full of beautiful blooms

Dealing with the new Me

Over the weekened I had a fall I doesn't feel like I am hurt much but I will be seeing a Dr. today.
The one thing that I am dealing with the most seems to be the fact I have to switch my mindset. I know my disability changes parts of me. I have always been used to being able to be self sufficient- able to manage myself. I am fighting in my own mind right now about changing my mindset- changing what is my new normal-- and letting go of the things that I can't do anymore.

I never thought loosing a joint would affect me emotionally- you can't see it-- I know it is noticeable some with my straight leg. But it does change you-every thing I do I have to think it thru- Things like getting into the car- crawling into bed - putting on my shoes.

Most days I am great -- I know I sound like I am complaining I guess in  a way I am, There are days I get tired of the daily pain-- the new world leaves me with Dr's and scans .

In the beginning after the straight leg- the hope was that eventually I could walk with a cane or maybe even none at all.. now I know I need the walker for sure --

I am grateful to be alive-- to have not lost my leg and be wheelchair bound for life... I know they were all very close to real life. I am just working out things in my mind -- allowing myself let go of the things that don't  fit in my new life and finding ways to make my new live my new life to the fullest.


It just hit me hard when I fell and there was nothing I could do to get up and I hated being that dependent.It just makes me realize I need a plan to better help myself.


 

Trying to make up for loss time

After I was cleared to go back to work I felt out of sync but managed to get back into the mode of work. I missed it and so grateful to be back in the workforce. I spent spent the first few months so grateful I got to this side of things. I have flash backs now and then-- there are days it hits me what my life was like. 

The whole subject how I was septic-- but we thankfully caught it before it did any more damage. That haunted me for awhile- everything felt like a gift everything  felt intense. I couldn't stop saying how glad I was-- even those I am close too I couldn't stop telling them I love them-- hug them-- there was moments there was tears.

I have settled down some and have relaxed falling into my grove. Until this summer I had no life last summer-- there were projects I wanted done.. I can't put this into the exact words but it is like this force driving me to be outside. This urgency to get things done-- at times like I can't quite breath almost a panic feeling.. 

Over the weekend I was talking through the emotions with Bruce and finally it hit me I am trying to make up for last summer and live this summer too. I know one can't make up for lost time- and rationally it doesn't make sense. 

I am grateful for what I have and for being on this side.I am sure I am quite the scene for my neighbors. I am trudging along with my walker -which doesn't push well in the grass. When I pull weeds I bend over I can't sit or squat so I know there are moments of what is she doing.

Last night I was using the garden hose and I got hung up in it . My straight leg got stuck in a bunch of the coil of it. It was funny to me trying to get out of it without falling down. The one thing I have only done once.

I am trying to find humor and to take a deep breath and relax .....

This and that--nothing like going home

Today I went to Verdi to hang out with my parents and see one of my sister's and her youngest son.
I caught a glimpse of my walker in my rear view mirror on my drive - it doesn't seem that many years since it was seeing one of my kids car seat in my rear view-- time flies so fast.

As I was driving past the one farm that has Elk -- I saw the herd running along the fence line his big rack held proudly as he lead the group. Even though they were in a pen they looked so majestic. I could have pulled off the highway to just watch.


As I came up the Verdi road there were a couple deer making their journey across the road. Looking so peaceful and content walking into the field . It reminded me a of a time when I had just gotten my license and Dad sent me to Lake Benton for something. These two huge deer ( at the time they seemed huge) leaped out in front of the car.I remember slamming on the breaks and my heart just pounding .I was so nervous about wrecking the car.They were long gone by time my heart stopped racing- the car was fine.

I drove past my old school -the building that I spent all 12 years at. It now stands empty the days of it being used as a school long gone. I thought about all those memories inside the brick building- there was friendships made -- hearts broken. When I look back at those days life was so simple- but at the time as kids we are ready to burn through those years-- and get to the real world. Sometimes the real world isn't all that it is cracked up to be...Someday's it is truly the best thing ever...

I got to visit my parents--have coffee and lunch with them. We talked about the old days- my sister and I shared a few things about our young on our own days-- there was laughter... teasing ...

I left with mixed emotions .. grateful for the time we have with each other-- and for the memories-- but sad for lost days- the ones we never get back. As we all step through our life - there footprints we left and ones we have yet to make- but we can't retrace the old ones.

When I returned home to my family we are making plans to go camping again-- making memories that I hope when my kids are my age- they will look back with the same content feeling of how things were and that longing when you wish you could have that one more moment in the past.

I hope my kids take the time to appreciate the simple things -- the little bunny playing in the garden or the hawk sitting on the fence post.. I hope someday the little things will be ingrained in their mind..

Not stepping on toes----

I have spent most of my life trying to not rock the boat. I have never been good at outwardly expressing my opinion. I never liked speaking out in large groups and certainly expressing my views.
Don't get me wrong push far enough I would explode and tons of garbage would fly from my mouth. A friend of mine used to joke that when I hit that mode windows shattered. As I have aged I maybe have gotten better. I think as an employee I was forced to enforce rules and if something needed to be said to someone I could then state how I felt. But that was enforcing a rule..

There is so much controversy in today's world- and some many of us have our own opinion. On social media I sometimes forward things and somethings I want to share but am afraid of the backlash. Or being called out on it-- I know how I feel inside and somethings I either don't feel I can debate on effectively or I just don't want to get into it.

I know there are many things in this world that need fixing and I know there is a lot   of hurt in this world. There is also a lot of evil out there too- things that pray on our weaknesses. I can't really speak on lot of it.. I know I should be more educated on the world around. Many of those issues I give to God. I know we can all worry ourselves sick- if we let it happen.

I also know I am glad we have men and women who fight and are willing to die to keep evil at bay. I am grateful for those who are willing to sacrifice themselves --their families to fight the evils of this world.

I will be honest I never put a lot of thought when I was younger --I think 911 was my wake up call - it hit me how much my country meant to me.. all of a sudden someone was messing with my safe little bubble I had my head in.

The first 4th of July after 911 - I cried through the display.. I remember cursing those who hated our country--hated me.. every since then- I can't watch anything that deals with things that happened then-- documentary's of things that happened before I was even born -with out tears in my eyes.

Any patriotic song -- goosebumps -- any stories on our Veterans or the Active Duty-tears... Those tears don't just fall for our military but anyone who is putting their life on the line to protect those that need protection. There are stories of people who have let that power go to their heads and bad things have happened . But I want to believe they are the minority of those out there.

My husband would share some of things from his Marine Corps days -- things like when he was in a different country you played by their rules.

My deepest feelings and belief is in our country you play by our rules-- you want to be an American you do it the correct way. I know there is a lot of stuff that is happening around us. The images and stories of those trying to come here illegally . My heart goes out to them as a human how can it not.
As a parent of course my heart aches by images we see and the stories we hear.

I also think about if you are taking a risk doing something illegally you are taking the risk of harm.I am not saying anyone deserves harm-death-or even being separated from a loved on.

What my view is come to us legally-- yes I understand they are fleeing something evil.. I cant' imagine living is some of the things people come from.

My thought is also that I need to protect my family from things-- we need to protect our communities-- our country.. Our flag stands for so much --we need to remember that.

My thoughts go to the Veterans and Active duty military--the law enforcement-- and all the people who sacrifice each day do we have freedoms-- Even the freedom to say things they don't like about  our county.

There is so much I want to say and don't have the words for -- there are feelings deep inside --emotions --about so much .
I tend to not let it get on social media --because I tend to not like to step on toes.

Doing something new-- a Fundraiser for our Soldiers

Mission: Soldiers' Angels is a volunteer-led 501(c)(3) non-profit organization providing aid and comfort to the men and women of the United States Army, Marines, Navy, Air Force, Coast Guard, and their families. Founded by the mother of two American soldiers, we have hundreds of thousands of volunteers assisting veterans, wounded and deployed personnel and their families in a variety of unique and effective ways. Soldiers’ Angels responds quickly to requests for support and provides individualized, immediate assistance.  It is a “one-on-one, get it done quickly” organization.  Our volunteer Angels at home adopt individual deployed troops and stay in touch throughout their deployment. Wounded soldiers and their families are asked what they need, and Soldiers’ Angels responds in a hundred different ways:  voice-activated computers; financial assistance for loved ones to stay with their wounded family member; phone cards to call relatives who can’t visit as often as they wish, etc.  Both the organization and the program have grown, but, unfortunately, the needs of our deployed soldiers and their families are growing even faster. This is especially true for our young men and women who are wounded. The government is providing first-class medical care for our wounded soldiers, but it will never be able to provide all of what they deserve and so many services desperately needed by their families.  Soldiers’ Angels works closely with the Department of Defense, the nation’s major veterans groups and a variety of other military support organizations to make sure these brave young men and women who are being helped.

This is a mission statement from a Website I came across-- Soldier's Angels.. 

I am excited and nervous I plan to do a jewelry fundraiser-- and donate a portion to them..

Many don't know how deeply I care about our Active soldiers and our Veterans-- this is just  small step in what I would like to become involved with 

Camden

Going to parks whether it be county—city or state had been a huge part of our life since we first met.

Camden State park has probably had the most meaning to us this park we have gone to since we first met. In the beginning it was dates to get to know each other- after we married it was something, we shared moments there. We have walked that park one end to another all seasons. We have seen the park in the spring with baby deer and coons – the summer with the leaves all lush. In the fall time we have walked trails and watched deer scamper off in the brightly colored leaves. We have walked thru huge snowbanks and took pictures of many herds of deer.

Camden has always been special to us- for years it was shared with our dog. There was a time we thought we would never have a family. While it broke our heart we still loved Camden and kept it as a part of our life.

Now we have kids and we have included them in our outings – things they will remember always. Camping trips-swimming in the ice cold pond, and walking trails. They don’t yet understand the meaning to us. I hope in time they will see it-the feeling of sharing something you loved so much and handing on to your kids.

While after my illness sharing Camden isn’t quite the same- I can’t walk the trails- swim in the pond. Things are different now—but still we are together and we are sharing Camden- the love of nature.