Tears

We went to the rodeo the other night - the announcer did a fantastic job on recognizing the Veterans-- and the soldiers that are ready to fight for people they don't even know. Then he continued to give recognition to EMT;s and our police - just about anyone who is in the job to protect and serve.
He asked the Veterans to stand --proudly I watch my husband stand.
 The one thing I saw in all of the people he announced was while they stood and they took pride in their role- the ones I observed came off as I am just doing my job. It gives me chills to see such humble attitudes of I am doing my job because it is what I want to do.

Then the Star Spangled Banner is played -- I can't get through any patriotic song without crying .. I think as a kid I knew what the song was about - but as I have aged I understand it better . The tears now flow openly at events where that song is played and if someone talks about those you are laying down their lives for us- the emotion is so raw inside. The impact of what that really means just is hard to truly understand- people risking their lives to my my life better .

The locust are screaming away- some of the trees are turning colors or dropping leaves. Soon we will be back to school. I will be spending time then with school family. There is always a bit of sadness to say goodbye to summer.

This summer I was driven to pack in as much summer as I could in to make up for last summer . While the memories of the battle of last summer is still there it is fading as we now are stepping into our new normal. Most things have fallen back into place some time ago. I still am dealing with always knowing my limits.

Just so grateful to be able to have a summer but I am still wishing we had just a little bit more LOL

A year ago

We are coming up to a year mark where a lot happened- I was still no weight bearing ,sitting in a wheelchair. I finished another round of IV antibiotics- my mother in law passed away. When we left Tyler to go to Benson for the visitation and funeral- I couldn't get into the suburban my one good leg just didn't have the strength to get me up there. After I got out of the vehicle that day I didn't ride in a car for almost 2 months . The night of the visitation things went I felt ok- felt bad that Bruce couldn't focus just on his family and mourn with them. I was always in the back of his mind- the day of the funeral I knew prior going that I was having quite a bit of pain...I noticed on the "good leg" I was starting to get a rash..

I opted out of going to the burial-- I knew getting into a car would be too much. The kids came back where we were staying with me. I remember going into the bathroom to change- I struggled getting on the toilet-- when it came time to stand up I couldn't . My good leg hurt and I had no power in it.

Zach had to help me get into the wheelchair and then hoist me on the bed. I have to say he is a champ he had no qualms in helping me .. He went and found Bruce- they called the ambulance and I was taken to the Benson hosp..I spent the night . They started me on an antibiotic and worked on getting ahold of my surgeon.  I don't remember much about any of it.. It was set up for me to be transferred to Marshall-

I had surgery on the "good leg" it was infected with staph- cultured MRSA too.. they cleaned it up- replaced the plastic parts. It took sometime for the leg to want to work...a week after that surgery they did the first step in preparing my leg to be fused .

After that I was sent to Sioux Falls for a week for testing to see if we could find out why we couldn't kill the infection..

So many surgeries-- so much going on in our world it sort of sucked the air out of us. I always feel bad that Bruce never really go to slow down and process the loss of his mom.. We have talked through later down the road..
Last year at this time things were so intense ... a year later we are camping-- grabbing our new normal

Flowers and memories

One of my fondest memories is the flowers that grew in my grandparents yard and my parents yard. I always remember when my grandma and grandpa Pedersen would come visit or we visit there a walk around the yard was due to look at the flowers blooming in the gardens. My mom always has had plant growing whether it  was in the yard or in the house.

When I moved out she passed on a few plants and once I had a yard of my own a few flowers were transferred to me. I gave her some my yard also  it has always just been a normal in my life.
Tonight I transplanted 2 plants from my parents yard- one was a rose bush that started in my one sister's yard. I placed that rose bush next to the one I transplanted a few weeks ago that originally came from my Grandparents on the Kuehl side.

My yard holds memories for me and pieces of people who were important to me and that I love now grow in my yard. They are more then plants they hold a meaning to me something that might seem odd to others. The memories of childhood times or memories of grandparents- time spent with my parents . I often wonder if my kids will look at the things I have and what will they see. Will the memories stop with me ? Or will they look at them and think of how much they meant to me and have their memories of me ?

The flowers are so colorful this year and seem to tall --we have had plenty of rain to help them grow. So vibrant and makes one think while we have had more then enough rain--some beautiful comes from it ..
Much like the memories wrapped in my heart - a garden full of beautiful blooms

Dealing with the new Me

Over the weekened I had a fall I doesn't feel like I am hurt much but I will be seeing a Dr. today.
The one thing that I am dealing with the most seems to be the fact I have to switch my mindset. I know my disability changes parts of me. I have always been used to being able to be self sufficient- able to manage myself. I am fighting in my own mind right now about changing my mindset- changing what is my new normal-- and letting go of the things that I can't do anymore.

I never thought loosing a joint would affect me emotionally- you can't see it-- I know it is noticeable some with my straight leg. But it does change you-every thing I do I have to think it thru- Things like getting into the car- crawling into bed - putting on my shoes.

Most days I am great -- I know I sound like I am complaining I guess in  a way I am, There are days I get tired of the daily pain-- the new world leaves me with Dr's and scans .

In the beginning after the straight leg- the hope was that eventually I could walk with a cane or maybe even none at all.. now I know I need the walker for sure --

I am grateful to be alive-- to have not lost my leg and be wheelchair bound for life... I know they were all very close to real life. I am just working out things in my mind -- allowing myself let go of the things that don't  fit in my new life and finding ways to make my new live my new life to the fullest.


It just hit me hard when I fell and there was nothing I could do to get up and I hated being that dependent.It just makes me realize I need a plan to better help myself.


 

Trying to make up for loss time

After I was cleared to go back to work I felt out of sync but managed to get back into the mode of work. I missed it and so grateful to be back in the workforce. I spent spent the first few months so grateful I got to this side of things. I have flash backs now and then-- there are days it hits me what my life was like. 

The whole subject how I was septic-- but we thankfully caught it before it did any more damage. That haunted me for awhile- everything felt like a gift everything  felt intense. I couldn't stop saying how glad I was-- even those I am close too I couldn't stop telling them I love them-- hug them-- there was moments there was tears.

I have settled down some and have relaxed falling into my grove. Until this summer I had no life last summer-- there were projects I wanted done.. I can't put this into the exact words but it is like this force driving me to be outside. This urgency to get things done-- at times like I can't quite breath almost a panic feeling.. 

Over the weekend I was talking through the emotions with Bruce and finally it hit me I am trying to make up for last summer and live this summer too. I know one can't make up for lost time- and rationally it doesn't make sense. 

I am grateful for what I have and for being on this side.I am sure I am quite the scene for my neighbors. I am trudging along with my walker -which doesn't push well in the grass. When I pull weeds I bend over I can't sit or squat so I know there are moments of what is she doing.

Last night I was using the garden hose and I got hung up in it . My straight leg got stuck in a bunch of the coil of it. It was funny to me trying to get out of it without falling down. The one thing I have only done once.

I am trying to find humor and to take a deep breath and relax .....

This and that--nothing like going home

Today I went to Verdi to hang out with my parents and see one of my sister's and her youngest son.
I caught a glimpse of my walker in my rear view mirror on my drive - it doesn't seem that many years since it was seeing one of my kids car seat in my rear view-- time flies so fast.

As I was driving past the one farm that has Elk -- I saw the herd running along the fence line his big rack held proudly as he lead the group. Even though they were in a pen they looked so majestic. I could have pulled off the highway to just watch.


As I came up the Verdi road there were a couple deer making their journey across the road. Looking so peaceful and content walking into the field . It reminded me a of a time when I had just gotten my license and Dad sent me to Lake Benton for something. These two huge deer ( at the time they seemed huge) leaped out in front of the car.I remember slamming on the breaks and my heart just pounding .I was so nervous about wrecking the car.They were long gone by time my heart stopped racing- the car was fine.

I drove past my old school -the building that I spent all 12 years at. It now stands empty the days of it being used as a school long gone. I thought about all those memories inside the brick building- there was friendships made -- hearts broken. When I look back at those days life was so simple- but at the time as kids we are ready to burn through those years-- and get to the real world. Sometimes the real world isn't all that it is cracked up to be...Someday's it is truly the best thing ever...

I got to visit my parents--have coffee and lunch with them. We talked about the old days- my sister and I shared a few things about our young on our own days-- there was laughter... teasing ...

I left with mixed emotions .. grateful for the time we have with each other-- and for the memories-- but sad for lost days- the ones we never get back. As we all step through our life - there footprints we left and ones we have yet to make- but we can't retrace the old ones.

When I returned home to my family we are making plans to go camping again-- making memories that I hope when my kids are my age- they will look back with the same content feeling of how things were and that longing when you wish you could have that one more moment in the past.

I hope my kids take the time to appreciate the simple things -- the little bunny playing in the garden or the hawk sitting on the fence post.. I hope someday the little things will be ingrained in their mind..