Happy Fourth of July

As a kid the Fourth was mainly about the town potluck picnic-- ice cream--ball games and Fireworks. I didn't put a whole lot of thought into what freedom meant. I was born into freedom... I didn't know war time -- my ancestors already paved the way for us to be here. So I just took things for granted I lived in a safe home--parents who loved us-extended family to spend time with. I didn't know fear as some of the war torn countries do. I don't think it even truly hit me what the soldiers and families went through to keep us free. I was a kid who never had to fear those losses ..
But I always was grateful-- and knew some had less--we weren't rich but that never mattered.


As I got older met more people listened to more stories I understood better- I knew there was sacrifices made. I still couldn't wrap my mind around the commitment that it took to sign up and say I am willing to die for my country. I didn't get how a complete stranger would put their life on the line to keep me safe. I knew my dad did it-- cousins and Uncles that did it. but I was still young..

Thru high school I got a grasp and while I still don't understand the hate that drive some people I got to see there was an evil that needed to be stood up too.

While I am not good at speaking out on politics--and sometimes I keep thoughts to myself..

But I have always supported the men and women who fought for us.. and understood what our flag stood for--I will always honor that.

When 911 hit I think that really was when things rang the loudest in my heart... evil came to us.. people I knew were headed to war..

Now I can't listen to a patriotic song or story with out goosebumps and tears... So the 4th to me is means Freedom due to blood and lives lost for me and my family free.
I love our country and the symbols that stand for it..
I know there is so much controversy in this world- but my heart is still with the basic--we are free and men and women are keeping me free ..

Have a safe holiday- enjoy your family time-- that has been made possible my the things our flag stands for .

Knight in shining armor

To start this I love to read -at night I log onto my Kindle and read--yep in the dark hard on my eyes I know . Bruce will ask what I am reading -- he knows it is usually a Romance Novel of some form.

My favorites are Military Romance or some Alpha Bada@@ stepping in to save the day.
I teased Bruce last night he is my Alpha BA--- he laughs and says no never my style..
 Maybe he is right in a sense he isn't a man to use his fists and threats--but he is very much my BA.

When I met him I was 19-- had a few big crushes and one boyfriend---so dating world was new new ground yet...

I was asleep one night a a girlfriend begged me to come out for awhile -- so I agreed -- so I throw on my fake leather black pants-- and  some shirt to go with it....
We walked in and met up with friends us hers,, got to visiting -- I noticed him--I was shy -- he was sitting next to a girl-- we got talking and I asked if they were dating -- both assured me no--- Bruce gets up comes back and kicks the guy that sat down beside me out of the chair. He just gave the guy a look that I guess in guy speak was move it she is mine... Bruce never left my side that night -- kept my drink glass full ( was drinking sprite ) -- I was a cheap date

No one ever kicked a guy out of the way to lame claim as you wish on me.. I was awe struck-- he spent the evening telling me about being in the Marines -the places he has been -- and now he was in town driving semi .

In my eyes he seemed so worldly -- and I kept thinking -- he could have anyone why me.....That is a question that I asked myself often thru the years...

It was a quick romance met July 24th and married May 22nd.. it was a simple wedding but the happiest day of my life.
They say girls are attracted to men like their fathers - Bruce and my dad are different in many ways but there is a core value in them both--they are loyal to their family--protect their own always. They are good men--hard working -devoted .
Through the years we have been tested -- when we wanted to start a family we found out I had some problems that they had hoped an exploratory surgery would be able to clean up scar tissue-- or anything else that was causing issues. I still remember the night before surgery he whispered in my ear to please wake up and come back to him after the procedure.

Things didn't go well-- we tried fertility drugs -- nothing worked --

We were devastated-- Bruce's theory was to adapt and over come -- I struggled with that and fell into a depression--He assured me that if it was just the 2 of us forever he was happy. A lot if tough things had been said to me beings I was the cause of us not having kids--never by Bruce he was my Bad A@@ fighting for us-- but others -- there was you should leave him so he can have a chance to have children with someone---- or I would kill myself in your shoes.... tons of ugly things were said..
But my Knight continued to support me and vow he was happy with me--- often I felt I fell short of what he deserved but my guy just took control-- and battled my demon inside----

When time came we decided to adopt-- we knew it would change our lives and beings we were going thru the Special Needs adoption there were things that could or would be different then typical parenting ... yep we adopted 2 wonderful kids who both have had their challenges --due to the cards dealt from either Bio parents choice or due to issues during the pregnancy..
Bruce stood along side-- learned what needed to be learned to better meet the kids needs .

The day though when the world stood still was when he had his heart attack-- we knew he been struggling but his Dr then dismissed his symptoms-- so with the advice of a his cousin--we headed to Sioux Falls to the heart hosp.. when they ran the tests-- his heart was almost completely blocked -- the main artery was at 90%---
I was so scared-- and we were so close to have lost him-- turned out he had a couple of small ones and was leading up to the big one... he had Quadruple by pass---
The Dr acted like the procedure was no big deal everyone was so supportive -- I was in shock--He came through fine-- there was some heart damage but he was ok-- while he was in recovery- they let me come in he was pretty out of it and I stepped back to let him rest-- he grabbed my hand mumbled no don't --he was pale-- and hardly focused but he wanted me..
Now he is on disability-- doing ok-- he has congestive heart failure but he still battles on-- stands up for his family-- loves all fiercely
To me he is my Alpha Male-- Bad a@@-- and yes I still look at him and think you could of had anyone... but he is mine ---I love him just as fiercely back

Enough

I don't think I am the only one who deals with that little voice in their head that wonders are you enough. I have heard that voice --the one makes you wonder as a woman am I enough-- I sexy enough to my husband-- I am I good a good enough sister -- daughter..friend..mother
Am I smart enough--
Yes there has been people in my live to make me doubt myself.. but I also  have had plenty of people in my life you have affirmed that I am.
I have parents who love me--sisters who love me-- friends who love me..a husband who loves me..
children that love me..

Why do I let that voice in-- but I do-- Even after all I have gone through-- the voice is always there..
I fight that voice everyday--everyday I get up and push through... I have gotten better to not let it bog me down in the muck of self doubt-

Even as a little girl that voice crept in... and I had parents who treated me  as if I did matter -- so I can't say well my childhood was rough-- I have been married a long time to husband who has always supported me -- love me-- so at what point does that voice quiet -- just when

One of my many favorite things

One of my favorite things this summer has been to sit outside in my swing. I listen to the birds-- there are 2 Goldfinches that keep flying around .. fun to watch ... tonight there was a really young squirrel playing in the yard. The last year I spent so much time in the hospital or just not feeling well or mobile enough to go anywhere
It is so peaceful to just sit out there and listen to the world around me . Each day I remind myself how lucky I am to be on this side of the hurdle.
I always have some pain and some little things to deal with .. I seem to need my walker for the best support. But I am living life.. something I longed for all those months trying to fight the infection.

There are so many emotions --- that roam in my head- 

Those who have left us

Today we went to a family reunion.... the battle I had last year has made me even more aware of time There was many days last year I worried about what was going to happen to me. I felt the love and support of so many.. I cherish that .. They will never know how that pulled me through.

As I looked around the room I thought about the days when I was a kid and going with my parents . As a kid it is food and fun-- you don't think about how everyone in the room either is married to or shares the blood in my veins . We as kids don't think about a time we won't have some of them around as we age .

Some of them left way too young-- and some I guess just left before we were ready.
I found myself wondering what would they think of me. The women I have become -- the mom I am.
Would they be proud of me- laugh at my short comings.. I don't know but today it was heavy on my heart --what if's

I find myself think about too I was more of an observer as a kid -- I loved watching the people around me... never quite had the self confidence to always join in,

I would love to have a time machine to go back for just a brief visit

Today-- my thoughts are on all the nursing assistants and nurses who took care of me

Being dependent on others is tough with that being said last summer I relied on so many people .

I had some really great people in my journey- I was a regular in the Marshall Hospital and there was so many of the staff who knew me - they knew my likes and dislikes. I appreciated  all of their caring ways ..In today's setting they have so many convenient ways to do personal cares there are pre made packs they heat up in a warmer --The wipes have a leave on soap in them and they have hair washing caps that have a leave in shampoo. --In a perfect world it sounds great but while yes it freshened you up.. I always felt not quite clean-- I am old school nothing like a wash basin and soap and water .The nurses knew that so they went and found me a wash basin and baby shampoo -- My sister made me a care package and got me some good smelling stuff later on..
The one aide found us a clean bed pan--- and would line my bed with  water proof pads and would wash my hair that way-- ( the bedpan was to catch the water )
She didn't have too bu she wanted me to feel as comfortable as I could .

They were my lifeline -- when I was there I always knew they cared . and the compassion given by them was amazing ...

Speaking of bedpans-- never in my life would I think that was going to be something I would ever need.. but not weight bearing --and times neither leg would bear weight--- it becomes a norm.

In the Marshall hosp and Benson Hosp-- it was mainly females nurses and it didn't bother me... But in Sioux Falls it was mainly male aides-- and young some of them seemed only a few years older then some of the kids I work with in school..

But they were respectful and kind not once did they make me feel uncomfortable. I was there a little over a week so they didn't really get to know me to know my likes or dislikes. I have to say though they did go out of their way to help me. They would chat with me share stories of their lives-- ask about mine..
There were others lab techs-- other Dr.s so many in my journey who truly were worried for me-- and cared about how I was doing.. some shared tears with me... or crack a joke to get my mind off of things.
The nursing home stays -- the stay in Tyler-- everyone rallied around me to make me feel cared for .. They too held my hand on rough days--
Marshall-- between the staff and therapy-- they too made me feel cared about ...
I believe all of that helped in my getting through a really rough time. I missed my life- my husband-my kids everything about who I was ...so many tears were shed last year.... There is no way to thank all of those people -- but I think about them and hold them close ... I hope they all realized what their empathy meant .

Last year at this time I was in so much pain-- no weight bearing. Bruce had to help with many of my personal cares. I am so grateful to be on this side of things.

My mind wanders to certain moments some of them are just little blips of time others are longer .
I was thinking today about the long needle they would use to stick into my knee joint to draw fluid out to test to see if the infection was still there. I was told by a Dr that beings most of our fluid in our knee is at the back of the knee it is hard to withdraw fluid.. It would hurt so bad when they would go drilling for fluid (ok not drilling but that is what it felt like ).

That was truly the most painful of needle things I had to endure during the whole time.
Next I think the worse surgery was when metal screws were put in my leg to secure the metal fixater - it was this bar the basically kept the gap where my knee was to keep it open until surgery.. I hurt so bad coming to after that surgery. I remember hugging my mom crying how bad it hurt ... once they had me settled and everyone went home .. the pain meds that they had given me wore off - I had my light on for just a few moments the nurse come in I was in tears --- usually I have great pain tolerance-- she was so nice she quickly left the room and promptly brought me something fast acting and then something longer term.. I wore that thing for a long time.. after the pain was under control-- wearing it wasn't really an issue.. it was alittle weird thinking that those screws were in my bone.
I still have one of those spots that has scar tissue in it were it puffs of -- and I massage it to break things up.

Having a PIC line put in was not all that big of a deal the first one they inserted while I was in surgery- the second I was awake -- my attitude was OH Heck you better knock me out.. but it truly wasn't a problem you don't really feel anything ,, and of the two or I had placed everyone was so supportive and comforting .
The antibiotics on the other hand were really harsh on my tummy and I could hardly eat -- I lived on tums- liquid antacids and anti diarrhea meds. it was the only way I survived .

It is funny how little things come back some days I might be grumbling about my pain in my hips-- then I get a flashback on oh yeah.... last year at this time I wasn't sure I was going to walk again.